I'm a prisoner!

Thankfully Elba is a great sleeper. Often he sleeps through the night now and occasionally wakes for a bottle. No problem...except that he falls asleep for the night at 7pm generally, and no later than 8. Baby-wise this is perfect, on track and desired for optimal sleep training (remember that book I mentioned earlier?)

Personally, this sucks! Let me explain:

So I get off work at 5pm, arriving home after picking up Elba and fighting my way through traffic a little before 6 generally. Hopefully this will improve in January when I'm not going out of way to pick him up. Even still, when I get home I have just enough time to put crap away (milk, diaper bag, etc.), feed and change Elba, give him a bath (which is now almost mandatory after solid foods for his top and bottom!), and start winding down for the bedtime routine. That's great, you say...perfect for getting baby taken care of and then you have the rest of your evening! Oh sure, unless I needed something I forgot to get on my way home from work. You see, sleeping baby at 7pm means no going out. No hanging out after 7, unless I bribe friends who don't want to drive with dinner to come over. No quick 'running out' for anything. I hate to stop after work though too because then when I get home that cuts into the precious time I do have to enjoy my son for whopping hour I get. And honestly, after he is down I don't feel like doing anything productive anyway. How sad is it that sometimes, after a nice hot bath I'm in bed by 8 with a book and absolutely in bliss for that. That's great, but nothing gets done. It's hard to stay motivated after 7, and when the heck am I supposed to be grocery shopping?! I've found a neat website where you can type in the ingredients you have and it will show you what you can make....this is my lifesaver at the moment, that is when I feel like cooking. Otherwise, it is soup out of a can, a bowl of cereal, or...is there anything else? I should buy stock in General Mills...

Today is Sunday. Mitch had to work at 4pm, but I took advantage of my daytime energy today and cleaned house while he watched the boy. I might have even gone shopping, except it has been snowing all day. Literally - I don't think it ever stopped. Guess that means I'll go tomorrow after work and forgo QT with the boy when we get home. Choices, choices. I think I've found somewhat of a solution, but I can't talk about it yet, in the off chance that Mitch actually reads this - it will ruin a Christmas surprise!

Another idea is to talk to my boss about coming in and leaving later. When I was first hired, I was given the option to work a different schedule but chose 9-5 because that worked out best at that time and it was the time frame my boss preferred too. Well, things have changed a lot and now working 7-3 or even 6-2 would be great. Not to mention I would be able to get a lot more work in those few hours before the chaos ensues. I had asked her once before a few months ago about working 8-4 and she wasn't so hot on the idea since those are the hours she was working, but I think I'm gonna try that conversation again soon. I wonder if she reads this?! lol

Must...escape...better...manage...time....send...help!

First Tooth - 20 Weeks

I found his first little chopper poking through! It is on the bottom in front...so cute! They said things would get interesting fast at four months, and boy has it!
We have conquered rice and oatmeal cereal, carrots, pears and we are onto sweet potatoes without a hitch. Elba is rolling all over the place and army crawling/scooting around. He really likes the Einstein jumper and the exersaucer he plays in at daycare.
Today I took off work and Mitch and I went to find a new daycare for him. We really liked the first place we went to so we agreed to just go to lunch and call it good after we checked her references and the first lady told us that she couldn't ask for a better day care provider. Although she has two dogs and one cat, you can't smell any animals when you walk in and her house is very clean. Her interaction with the two kids she had there was great and they both really loved her like a grand mother. She has raised 5 kids of her own and was a teacher in a day care center earlier in her career. She is very personable and talks a mile a minute, which to me says she has a lot of energy and patience for the kids. She doesn't have any other infants at this time and excited to have a baby again. Her thirteen year old daughter has DS so she is familiar and open to using sign as well. She is open to our sometimes flexible schedule and charges an hourly rate (a surprising challenge when you need part time instead of full time). A very sucessful day!

Black Friday

This went better than I thought. I was at Target at 7am, hit Kohls and Walgreens then was home before 9:30! Elba was great! I couldn't justify waking him early so I figured whatever time he woke up we would go. I was hoping he would be up for his 3:30 feeding so I could get to the door busters. Missed those, but got a lot of great deals. I'm sure in other geographic areas it is worse, but I think that for the sale prices BF was totally worth it. I actually don't think it was much worse than a normal busy weekend of shopping. Traffic wasn't bad and people weren't acting crazy. Maybe being there for the door busters would make it worse too, but I'll try that next year maybe. :) Elba kind of nodded off a few times, but otherwise he was quiet, alert and not fussy at all. I think he actually enjoyed the change of scenery. Gosh, it sure is nice having the perfect baby! ;)

We didn't go to Chicago and I don't even want to talk about why, albeit to say that it wasn't what I wanted or planned. I really wanted to see my family. That sucked but maybe it was for the best; there was ice on the streets this morning and I would have been driving home tonight. I'm so scared of getting into an accident with Elba in the car. God help the person that ever hits me with child in tow. Do they grant you any kind of leniency if you lose it on someone when they have endangered the life of your infant?

Mitch and I put up the Christmas tree and decorations today. This is the last year for my miserable tree that has seen a few too many years. I've had the same tree since I was...18, maybe 19? It's time to get rid of some abused nick-knacks too. Really, I have stuff that my mom gave me when I left home. We agreed that after the holiday we are going to go clearance shopping for a new tree and new decorations. Mitch says that my stuff reminds him of chain saw massacre and it is scary. I don't know what he means really, but I'll agree it is old, outdated and desperately in need of replacement.

Big Boy!

I forgot to mention how at my Dad's I fell down the stairs with the baby. Sounds worse than it was. My feet just slipped as I was heading into the basement and I fell backwards, baby in my arms. He was fine, but without the support of my arms, oh man was my back and but sore!
Elba was a champ for his shots. They gave him two shots in the kiester and he sort of whined on the first one and then cried a little for the second, but it was no big deal. I'm fine too! :) Well, he was 26.5 inches, 15 3.5 lbs and 16.75 head circumference. That is in the 75-90th percentile for height. The doctor said he is as tall as a 6 month old! 25-50th percentile for weight and head.
Cereal feeding is going well. He is eating better and the consistency has been thickened to something between a paste and liquid.
Mitch and I heading to Chicago for Thanksgiving. It is crazy that just a year ago when we went I thought I'd miscarried and now this year, here we are in tow with our beautiful baby! I love him so much (both of them!) Mitch has to work Saturday morning so we can only stay for a short trip. I'm thinking about completely being insane and going early morning shopping on BF. There are a few bigger ticket items I'm looking for and Target seems to be my answer. 4am - oh gawd!

4 Months!

My Colorado trip was unlike any other I've taken before. Usually I get to relax the whole time and indulge in guilty pleasures; sleeping in, watching T.V., playing video games and hiking. This time there was no sleeping in, hiking or watching T.V. I played video games while Elba was down for his daytime naps. Otherwise, it was a stay-cation except I didn't have my usual means of entertainment and distraction for the baby and myself. Don't get me wrong; I had a good time. It was just different and I feel gypped! It was great to see Madison and she really enjoyed playing with the baby. I got to do two traditional things I would have otherwise missed this year; I carved a pumpkin (ghost in a window) and went trick or treating. Elba lasted the 4 or 5 houses in my Dad's circle before he puked all down the front of his costume and I took him back. I took the girls out later for a while. Halloween has always been my favorite holiday. It is funny how it changes over the years. Trick or treating myself when I was a kid turned into driving down Cuba Rd. as a teenager with my friends, turned into costume clad drinking parties and gone full circle again to trick or treating. I like it! :)
Not much else to report Elba wise; he is rolling consistently from his front to back and occasionally back to front. Our next pediatrician appointment and booster shots are coming in two days. I'm curious to see how much bigger he's gotten. I have to go to the doctor this time. I'm scared I'll cry. I tried a little rice cereal last week but he kept pushing it out with his tongue. I'm gonna try once a week with this. We set up the jumparoo and he can sit in it, but his feet don't reach the bottom yet. I put my CD case underneath his feet, but I don't think he is quite ready for it yet.
Mitch and I have been fighting a lot over the allocation of housework and responsibility lately. I'm feeling like the majority shareholder here without the majority vote. Does that make sense? The thing that is worse is that I think he agrees but just doesn't want to do more. I feel like that is sort of the way it is and no amount of bitching and complaining is doing anything, despite that we are trying to talk about it, work it out and come up with a reasonable solution. I'm ready to threaten him with a chore chart and assigned days off for each of us!

Speaking of which, it is Sunday and Mitch is over at his Mom's picking Elba up (he spent the night with Grandma last night) and I need to hop to it and take advantage of the time to get stuff done quickly without distraction!

First Flying Experience; Colorado

I just arrived at Dad's house today. Elba was great on the flight. I timed everything perfectly (or it just worked out that way)! I woke up at 5am, pumped, got ready finished the last minute packing and woke the baby up at 6:15am. After changing and dressing, we were out the door a little after 6:30. I fed him about 4oz on the 40 minute car ride to the airport (a little traffic). I checked my luggage (first time in a while because I don't agree with the $25 charge, but in this case I was willing to pay and I needed my biggest bag anyway), and headed to security. I was apprehensive about this. Not just the juggling of baby and stuff but I was also carrying 6 bottles of milk with me (more on why later). My stuff got pulled for chemical screening as I knew it would, but this just allowed me some extra time to retrieve my shoes and dress us both before having to rush to get out of the way. They made me take the baby's shoes off as well as both of our zip up light jackets. Elba was alert and watching everything this whole time. I stopped and got coffee and a muffing before boarding. Boarding with a baby is awesome, but I see the necessity now. It took me a while to get settled. As I was making my way to the seat he started to fall asleep. He slept right until take off (maybe 30 minutes) in which I promptly fed him the first bottle so his ears wouldn't hurt. Maybe an hour into the flight we went to bathroom. I feel like if you get 'mile high' status for certain deeds done in the bathroom, changing a diaper should be added to the list! His most upsetting moment was my flushing the toilet. It was loud and scary. We stayed standing for maybe 20 minutes in the isle just to keep things interesting. I was SOOOOO lucky to have the two seats next to me empty. He took a little nap and I was able to lay him across the seats and do the same. As the fasten seat belt sign comes on and we are getting ready to descend I realize he has poops and he is just starting to leak. I quickly changed him on the seats next to me. I felt bad and uncertain about this (what would the people around me say; and I really hoped it wasn't a stinky one). I changed his clothes, gave him bottle two and we landed uneventfully. This traveling experience went much better than the drive to Chicago. It is 7am locally in Colorado and I'm exhausted. I had to wake up at 4am yesterday morning too to be to work by 6 - and then there is the time change!
My dad pulled out two of his baby pictures. OMG - it is Elba 100%!!! I could mistake them for the same baby; I'm not kidding. Makes sense. I look a lot like my mom, but I look more like my dad. I sent the picture to Mitch on my phone and his response was 'holy crap!'
Okay, so I was WAY over producing milk for a while there, and now I've got a freezer full of frozen milk. My milk decreased (I stopped pumping as often, about every 6-8 hours) and I was producing exactly what we needed and only occasionally freezing some extra. Elba's appetite has increased the last week or so and I'm not quite keeping up. Not by a lot, but I am scared to run out of milk here so I packed 6 full bottles just in case. I think it will be okay, but better safe than sorry. I'm ramping up drinking water, pumping more often, taking Fenugreek and drinking Mother's Milk to get the supply back up.

Monday, Nov 1
Yesterday was Halloween and I took Elba to the few houses on the circle that Dad lives on with Madison and four of her friends. He looked cute, but was getting cranky and then puked all over his costume at the last house. After putting him down for what I thought was the night, I took the girls back out until 7:45pm. These girls don't know how to trick or treat! They were skipping houses, dilly dallying; completely inefficient! :) It was fun! I can't wait for him next year to be able to walk up to the doors himself and have a little bit of an understanding that they are giving candy. He will probably only makes a few houses then too. We took a bunch of pictures of him in his costume in Dad's front yard surrounded by other pumpkins; too cute!
Michelle and Dad had friends over earlier in the day and I was sitting at a chair next the table when all of a sudden Elba starts his high pitched pain cry. What a horrible Mom I am; he brushed the side of his finger against the HOT crock pot! It was red for maybe an hour, but then nothing. It could have been a lot worse.
I've been playing Dragon Age while I'm here and I'm going to go home and get it ASAP; it is a super awesome game and I've really not been giving myself enough game playing time since having the baby. It has been nice to do that here.

13 Weeks - Rollover & Grabbing

Elba is starting to grab at things intentionally. He had batted at stuff a few times before, but I think he was shocked when it happened. Now I see him sort of concentrating and moving his hands toward objects. I was holding a teething toy out in front of him while he was laying on the floor and his arms were outstretched, fists clenched. The butterfly touched one of his hands and he opened it and then closed it around the toy. I think that definitely counts. He has noticed his feet too...I've found him staring at them and sort of rubbing them together as he looks at them. It is so neat, I can almost see the process running through his head, although without language I wonder what it sounds like. He certainly doesn't have the internal dialogue we carry around with us yet. His 'internal dialogue' must be more emotion based instead of word based I would guess. It's so interesting watching him develop.

I'm now a member of a club I didn't know existed. Mitch says he has experienced this too. Now strangers approach us, and we talk about our children in the middle of the store or any public area. It generally always starts with "Oh (or Ah),how old is he?" or sometimes, "Is he your first?" but develops into dialogue of exchanging the current moments feelings and most recent activity followed up by well wishes and advice. It's incredible; I didn't know this invisible network existed, only to be identified when one of the members is spotted out with child in tow. I imagine this continues throughout childhood.

I have a Kindle (thank you Dad!) and I'm overwhelmed by the amount of free content I have access to; all the classics and interesting journals of historical figures I would love to read. I wonder if taking a speed reading course or something would be helpful. Too little time, too much information!

I'm going to traveling to Colorado over Halloween to visit Dad, Madison and Michelle. Elba has a pumpkin costume I tried on him today. He is a little freaked out about the green toole at the top, but I'm hoping he gets over it. He looked adorable. I'm posting updated pictures and videos - check 'em out!

He is also rolling over! At first we only had evidence of this happening as he would be face up after napping a few times, but now I've seen him do it. It is so cute. I need to take a video - I'm such a mom!

12 Weeks - Moving

It's been an insane 2 weeks. We are moved into the new place, that is the short story. There are lots of fun details I could add; like leaving a cabinet and dishwasher full of dishes at the old apartment (I did go back for them), or the disgusting cabinet fiasco I've endured at the new place that has yielded a $100 concession for the next two months and a lot of frustration, but that's all minor stuff I guess (although it has really seemed like major stuff at the time).

It has been a wild ride, but the most amazing and wonderful news is that my baby boy laughed! I've only been able to get him going a few times and get that sweet little giggle from him, but ohmygosh does it ever warm my heart and make me melt! Seriously, there has been nothing better than his throaty chuckle elicited by my nuzzling and giving raspberries on his neck. On the flip side, I almost took him out again. I had him laying on the floor on his play mat while I was running armloads of those dishes I mentioned earlier from my car into the kitchen. I should have slowed down, been more careful, something! As I walked a load into the kitchen, the heavy ass white corning wear baking dish slid off the top, hit the counter, shattered and sprayed my child with glass shards. I watched in horror the fallout as a chunk hit him in the head. It is strange how in an instant your minds eye is actually capable of picturing the worst. I imagined lots of blood and stuck in glass as the dish fell in slow motion and the adrenaline started to surge through me. The reality was that he had a small red spot on his head and cried from the startle. Thank Christ! This was another holy crap moment that I vowed after to slow down and think of the consequences of potential disaster.

So Helene, my daycare provider, told me that she is going to be retiring at the end of the year, so thus begins the search for babysitting again. I'm pretty okay with this actually, not because I don't like her but picking him up after work is going in the opposite direction now and it takes me about 1.25 hours to get home after leaving work. This is unacceptable after my previous commute of oh, 10 minutes! I only live about 15-20 minutes away now and in traffic should take maybe 30. So I think finding someone else was going to need to happen anyway. And better now than after the snow and ice starts.

Elba had his first little cold over the past weekend. He was needy and clingy at times, and then zoned out at others. I tore through boxes to find my three baby bibles (What to Expect, Dr. Spock, and Good Housekeeping) to confirm there isn't really anything to be done short of adding a humidifier to his room and giving Tylenol for comfort. I think daycare did it, she mentioned all the kids seemed to have runny noses lately when I called Monday to confirm he could still be dropped off. I blamed myself at first for not dressing him warm enough at night. Mitch has already taken on the title of champion booger sucker. He loves that thing and I hate it. I've always been grossed out by kids' snotty runny noses. I expected this would change with my own. I have no problem with the poop, pee and puke but I still am disgusted by snot, even Elba's. Is that horrible? I feel bad, I want to be okay with it and I know I'll need to get over this, but oh man, it's so disgusting! I actually get gaggy at the thought. Thankfully Mitch is okay with gross boogers. :)

He has been going through a growth spurt I think. He is drinking 6, sometimes 8 ounces at a time. I broke out the bigger bottles and packed up the little 4 ounce ones. I struggle with 'packing up for next time' and giving away to friends. I want one more...Mitch says no way in hell. I'm mostly packing things up and staying optimistic! He is so long! He is now 3 months and the 3-6 month clothes fit, but not the 0-3 stuff anymore. This is actually quite fun now, as we are getting into the cute handed down outfits and clothes now. We didn't have much for the 0-3 period and needed to do a lot of laundry.

I know there is so much more I wanted to write about, but those are the highlights!

10 Weeks - Tears & Fears

I have so much to write about! Okay, so last week was Elba's first in daycare. Mitch drops him off in the afternoon (11:45am) and then I pick him up when I get out of work. The first day I forgot to put the carseat in my vehicle but thankfully remembered before leaving work so Mitch and I switched cars. The third day I did this again but didn't realize it until I was walking out to my car baby in hand. Helene (the baby sitter) had her car packed and was loading her family in to head out; it was obvious they were waiting for me so they could go on with their night. I was scared and embarrassed and didn't know what to do. I did the bad thing. I prayed to the God I don't beleive in the entire way home with him laying on the passenger seat and my hand on his belly. He fell asleep and I think rather enjoyed the unrestricted ride. When I got home I almost cried. If that ever happens again, I will call Mitch and have him meet me. It was a bad call, and I'm sure I'll make more, but not that one again. I prayed and used my phenominal cosmic power to keep other vehicles from smashing into us on the way home, draining me emotionally. Seriously, I was terrified driving home. I thought about how I would go to jail, they would take away my child and I'd probably be the subject of a safety blurb that night on the news if anything happened. NEVER NEVER AGAIN - there is a post it note on the door now.
The good news about daycare is that Elba is exhausted by the end of the day and slept through the night those 3 nights. I guess she also watches a few little girls and they just adore him. They all want to play with him and even got in trouble for not leaving him alone once. I think that interaction is really good for him. Not only for sleeping, but he seems much more aware and interactive. He is content to lay on his back and just watch what is going on around him for long periods of time. This is great since I'm packing, cleaning, making dinner, etc. In one way I am starting to feel more and more like a real person again, but in another way I feel like I'm losing it and my head isn't screwed on right.
I think he made his first attempts at grabbing something. I was at work Saturday for a moment when one of the residents wanted to hold him. I 'sat' him on the counter and let her 'hold' him while I also held him from behind. She was wearing these beaded necklaces (like the ones we throw tubing on the river). He was just staring at them and wouldn't look at anything else. He started to sort of get excited, but kept staring at them...well, his litle arm reached out and kind of hung out in front of him, swatting the necklaces back and forth. Then, he caught his fingers around some and BINGO - his first grab! Now, if this was focused and intentional I'm not sure, but it was close enough to count for me!
Mitch took him to the doctor yesterday for his 2 month checkup and first round of multiple shots. He said he screamed so hard no noises were even coming out, he was just red faced, wide mouthed and looking very upset. Poor baby; we are getting some real tears now so it is even more pitiful when he cries.
Our new furniture is being delivered on Thursday to the townhouse and then we are moving everything Friday after work. I'd like to still get in there and paint before hand, but this is harder than it seems with time running out. So, I bought the brown leather sofa set that includes the chaise lounge, big daddy chair and ottoman. I also picked out a coffee table, end tables and a dresser for Elba. Mitch negotiated with the sales chick to get 5% off the whole order AND 18 months no interest. Since the word is ending in 2012, this is a great deal! :)

Current Weight: 209

9 Weeks

I found a 3 bedroom townhouse in Novi that as soon as it is flipped we can start moving into. They are running a special where you don't pay the September pro-rate so I think I'm going to take advantage of this extra unexpected time and paint before we move in. I'm super excited about this. I rarely paint because it is such a pain in the butt, but Mitch's mom has offered to help and I really want to make this feel like home. Painting really makes a big difference I think. That and I'm really considering buying a new living room set. The couch I have now is almost, gosh...10 years old (time flies when your having fun!) and I'm about done with it. The hideaway bed is now too uncomfortable to really be a choice and even the once very firm cushions are beginning to take on the wear patterns of the many butts they have touched. The last two years have really worn hard on the couch. It's been great, but I think our time has come. On the other hand, I don't really need to spend over a thousand dollars on a new set. Oh see, Mitch and I had some time the other night and dropped by ArtVan...and fell in love with a brown faux leather set. I didn't think I was much of chaise lounge person...but oh man, that is my spot! They waive the interest until 2012 - does that make it better? I think it is a good choice. It all plays into my 'new home' feel too. That is so domesticated of me. Isn't it crazy how you can feel so very different depending on where you are at in your life. A year ago I would have told you that spending money on a new set is completely ridiculous when I have a functioning couch right now. And for some reason I now feel that a new couch set will somehow make my new home feel better. I recognize how stupidly materialistic this is, but I can't help it. I told myself once I went back to work I'd buy the new car after babying my old one around the country. I also said for years that the college dorm looking furniture was good enough while I get out of debt and repay my loans. The loans aren't repaid, and in fact now I've got hospital bills to add to it, but a new living room set will somehow make me feel more complete and in order. I know this thought is completely insane.
So any-who, the housing dilemma is solved and so too is the child care issue. I found a lady who watches children out of her home. I went and visited her house during the day to see her interactions with the children, the condition of her home, etc. and well, it looked like an at home day care provider's house. I don't know...how can you? I wish I had a relative or someone close that I could without a doubt trust. Really though, even then sometimes bad things happen. Positive thoughts...everything is going to be great! He will only be there for three days when Mitch goes into work (11 or 12) and then until I get out (5). I'm trying to get my boss to let me switch my hours to get out at 4 but it doesn't look good. I really thought about working on 3, but the out at 4 idea went over like a ton of bricks so I'll let it go for now. Ey-yi-ay!
Even though things are shaping up logistically I still feel pretty out of control. Things at work are a bit crazy. I can't even get into it all, and I seriously don't want to spend time blogging about the details of that crap! I'm just really stressed out man! I find myself getting angry and frustrated. I wonder if this is some postpartum depression symptoms. Mitch is helpful and does a great job with Elba, but I still feel like I'm doing everything. And I know it is small things, but sometimes I get so stupidly angry about the trash piled at the front door to be taken out or other little things. I also feel like we aren't communicating very well. Like, he will say something that I take the wrong way or visa verse. We fight less now than ever but every fight...and really I should say mis-communication or something because 'fight' doesn't seem to explain the little jumble of words I'm referencing - but it really bothers me. Like I feel really hurt or frustrated or really doubt the longevity of the relationship when something that I know is relatively minor comes up...like I have no tolerance for it. Is this hormones? Is this PPD? Is this just my personality? Is this regular adjustments to the huge changes of life we just experienced? I sometimes feel totally out of whack, like not me! Let me clear though, for anyone reading this and thinking I'm losing it...I do not have any bad thoughts about the baby or anything like that. In fact, when it comes to him I have infinite patience and love. Outside of the realm of Elba and my caring for him, things feel out of control though. I mention this because I know that is a serious symptom of PPD and I want to be very clear that isn't the case at all. It's just everyone else that sometimes I want to reach out and slap! :)
Okay, whats new baby-wise? He has started drooling a lot lately as well as spitting up, which didn't happen much before. I think it's normal. He is permanently with a bib now though. He goes in two days to the pediatrician for his second set of shots, which is supposed to be pretty terrible. Not looking forward to that. He is sleeping much better, although we still have bad nights, like last night when Mitch was up until 3:30pm with him. I was snug in bed with earplugs! Oh that's enough for now...I'm done typing!

8 Weeks - It's all about ME

When things are unorganized, unclean or just not put away I feel stressed out. My house isn't dirty but I feel like my world is chaotic right now. But my world is chaotic right now; looking for a new place, day care, and the stack of dishes in the sink all make me feel that way.
I feel guilty because Mitch took the baby over to his Mom's for labor day. I worked until 4 and then came home to empty house and I loved it! I cleaned the car, had two glasses of wine, took a bath and just did nothing, despite the pile of stuff to be done. I'm getting over my need for everything to be perfect. This is one of those things that I just have gotten used to and realize that my life isn't ever going to be neat and organized for awhile. Not just getting used to it or accepting it, I'm actually not caring as much. Sure, I still have my moments and rush after work to get the dishes done, start laundry and pick up a little before Elba wakes up. But that is just maintenance. I am accepting the projects that are sitting idly by; the memory book that is accumulating a pile to be entered, the bulk of fabric waiting to be sewn into something useful; the yarn unwound together for future Christmas gifts. Because the moments of doing nothing and relaxing are far more fulfilling and enjoyable that checking of my mental boxes of accomplishments.
I still write lists, I just don't finish them always. Getting my son to smile and laugh at the goofy faces I make at him, working to provide for my family and spending some quality time with Mitch are now top priority and I let everything else fall to 'whenever it gets done'. This is a huge accomplishment for me. I think pregnancy started this. I allowed myself to say, "I don't feel like it" and gave myself some slack when it came to plans, obligation and not making commitments I wasn't sure of. Instead of being a 'yes' person and regretting it, I'm becoming a 'maybe' and 'we will see'. This is more logical honestly. I don't know how I'll feel, if the baby is cranky or what will come up. Don't get me wrong; I honor the commitments I make. I'm just more hesitant to say yes. It's funny, because this is something that used to piss me off about other people. I'm still not usually late (although I even allow for it now with the addition of baby to throw a wrench into everything) and get to where I'm supposed to be.
I'm just focusing on what is important. I'm even trying not to get too stressed about the whole moving and finding daycare thing. It will work out, I'm sure of it. It's funny, as I'm chilling out, Mitch is becoming more serious and responsible. I guess we are meeting in the middle. I'm really quite happy, albeit a little stressed; but even that I'm trying to let go. The wine helps. Haha!

Weight: 210 (seriously, time to start working out) The crazy thing is that my old clothes should fit me now...and they don't. Did I mention this already? I think with gravity and permanently wider hips I need to loose extra to fit back into my suits. I'm still wearing my maternity clothes because I don't want to buy new stuff yet. I haven't given up that I will start exercising soon.

7 Weeks - Whoops!

If my son ends up having brain damage - it's my fault! So, he likes laying on the changing table and until today this wasn't a problem because he can't roll over. He still can't roll over, but he scooted himself head first off the end while I was idly sitting at the computer looking for our upcoming housing needs. I've never heard such a heart wrenching scream as that of my infant after being dropped on his head. He calmed down after a minute or so and we checked to make sure nothing was broken, he could focus and move his eyes and seemed relatively okay, minus his scattered cries of pain. Some Tylenol and a bottle later he was almost back to normal. I however was not. OMG, I was so scared, like that time when I stepped on my pet bunny and I wanted to find the rewind button. He had knocked down his little turtle toy, I heard it and replaced it. Five minutes later there was a louder crashing noise. As I was turning around, I was thinking, "What could that be? There isn't anything up there that would be that loud!" I was horrified to see that there was no baby on the table! I was terrified he was dead. I've never moved so fast in my life! I wanted to throw up and the adrenaline was coursing through me. He started screaming before I even picked him up...I knew that was a good sign though, at least he wasn't unconscious or dead. I know it happens, I was dropped on my head twice (explains a lot, right?!) but sweet Jesus I wasn't prepared for how badly I would feel. Well, now that that is done hopefully there will be no dropping the baby incidents, that was enough for me, thanks.
Moving on to the rest of the update and less horrible, this past Saturday felt almost normal. Elba slept for a lot of the morning before Mitch had to go to work. I made coffee in the morning and Mitch made breakfast while I got to play on the computer. We ate, I did dishes and then Mitch played on the computer before taking a shower and heading to work. It is almost the way we used to spend our Saturday mornings pre-baby, aside from me pumping and him feeding, patting and giving a narrative while cooking! Things are starting to get more normal and not so chaotic. Elba is sleeping through the night aside from waking for a bottle or two. I can't even express how wonderful it is...I'm starting to really enjoy him and our life instead of having life be the constant management of functions.
When I was hiking, I would think about how my day was filled with constant adjustments, finding the path of least resistance, and grinding to the next town for a down day of rest and fun. It was work, and not usually fun. These early weeks have been way worse...I'd rather be hiking. Not that I hated hiking...I'm saying that it was a lot of work physically for me with often not much reward. You would think that parenthood should be more of a joy and rewarding. Not these early weeks. Sure there are those moments of love and relaxation, but mostly it is a management of functions, no fun at all, and downright grueling exhausting work. That is what I mean; the feeding, changing, burping, rocking, and bathing must be managed as well as my own feeding, bathing, pumping, and changing. Don't forget then the cleaning, blogging, laundering, shopping, working, emailing, phoning that also contends for the days allotted time. So then falls short my own reading, relaxing, playing and sleeping. You see now, as I've come to realize, it has been the managing of functions that has been my life for the last 7 weeks and why I can't believe my child is almost 2 months old now...where did the time go? Read above, and I digress.
It isn't bound to get much better is what I've come to realize. Mitch picks up extra hours when he can at work, but he will soon start school at night. We really need to get on this whole finding a new place to live thing....I only have another month here. We agreed to start a weekly date night, but that happened once so far. On the bright side Professor Fussinutter Binkerton is much less fussy and easy to manage, so hopefully there will be more days like Saturday around the corner. I really can't wait until he knows he has hands...that will open a whole new world of self exploration and entertainment up for him.

6 Weeks - Getting Better

New Stuff: Elba is content for about 20 minutes underneath the activity arch (although I'm already sick of the annoying song it plays), he will sometimes stick his tongue out to mimic Mitch or I when we do it first (this is adorable), and lastly he is standing up like a big boy if he is leaning against Mitch's chest (this might just be a reflex, but it is still awesome).

We tried to let him cry it out for the first time. The book says that some infants as young as 6 weeks respond well, others 8 and yet sometimes 10. I can't say if it was successful or not really because we didn't quite stick to it. I went for a walk while Mitch let him cry; and it only took half an hour and he fell back asleep. Unfortunately, he was at it again after an hour or so. We let him CIO another half hour and then Mitch caved and picked him up. I can say that letting him cry got him to fall asleep quicker, on the bright side. Since he still hates his crib I don't think CIO is going to work right now. We are still letting him sleep wherever he falls asleep (that is generally either in the bouncy chair or on either of us. If you put him down in either his crib or the pack n play bassinet he usually only sleeps for an hour maximum. I think until he or we get better at crib sleeping expecting him to CIO will be fruitless. My co-worker swears we should just do it and stick to it a few nights and we will be golden. I don't know that either of us are ready to bear our child's cries that long yet.

I found the coolest website! www.bobohelper.com lets me log and track sleep (his, not mine because that would be depressing!), feedings, poops & pees and even has a breast pumping log. This not only satisfies my detail oriented need, but also when the pediatrician asks how much he sleeps, etc. I will have a vague idea instead of no clue. When I was reading my new savior book I realized that when they were talking about the average sleep time total per day I had no idea if Elba fell more into the colicky 12 hours or the good average 15 hours. Of course, I started logging after his peak 6 weeks and since then he has been a much better sleeper. He generally is sleeping 15 hours a day now (making a liar out of me). No really though, he has been so much better this last week. Not as much fussing; still some, but not nearly the amount of exhausting and frustrating hours spent trying to console him anymore.

In other depressing news, this is my first full time week back to work. I like getting out of the house and am relieved that Mitch is home, but I miss my boy during the day. I find myself wondering what they are doing at home; if he is being a good boy for Daddy, and if anything neat is going on.

Lastly, Mitch and I have started the hunt for a new place. I hate moving, but we desperately need more space now. This place was perfect for me when I moved in a year ago. How things have changed...ha! I wouldn't have thought in a million years last year that things would be as they are now. When life throws you a curve ball and whatnot!

Weight: 209

Magic Fingers and trying Cry it Out

I forgot to log his one month check up info! We saw the pediatrician on Aug. 13th and he was already a whopping 10 lbs. 12 oz and 22 3/4 inches long. I guess he is following his growth curve - they flashed some graph with multiple curves on it at me that I didn't quite follow, but this was to reassure me that he is doing well.

There is also a funny story I wanted to write about. The last couple of weeks the vibrating bouncy chair has been the savior around 2-3am and generally where Elba spends his night sleeping. At the peak of his fussiness I would put him in the chair, prop a bottle or give him the pacifier and do dishes while the chair is on the kitchen counter. The bright light made him close his eyes and I think the water sound was soothing as well. I invested money in this strategy, purchasing rechargeable batteries because the thing would drain 4 AA's per night. One night, much to my dismay it wouldn't turn on. I kept putting the batteries in, thinking in my sleep deprived mindset maybe I was flubbing this simple task. Nope, because I could get the little sound machine to work but not the vibration thing. I gave up and started to manually shake and jostle the chair. I kept thinking, if only I had some sort of apparatus that would do this for me, something....MAGIC FINGERS!!!
So maybe 8 or so years ago I bought a very expensive bed in which the sales guy included these vibrating wands that you were supposed to put between the box spring and the mattress. I tried it at first, but really it was silly...not much of a massage at all. Cut to, it's 4AM the stupid bouncy chair doesn't work and I'm like an insane person searching through the stackable Rubbermaid totes that have old clothes, photo albums....and the magic fingers. I positioned one of the wands in the bottom fold of fabric, closed it up with some safety pins and gave it a go...PERFECT!
Tonight is the first night Mitch and I are going to let the boy cry it out. It is 12:14 and the boy has been screaming since midnight. It's all I can do not to cry myself...but if this works, I hear it is supposed to be great. The book says not all babies are ready at 6 weeks, some do better at 8. Lets see if my boy is ahead of the curve on this one too. Crossing my fingers and going outside for a walk.

A Plan, and my Period (SUPER!)

I'm beginning a sleep log, because as the book states colicky infants generally sleep a few hours less than other babies. I am going to document exactly what is going on so I have a better idea of how much sleep he is getting. I honestly have no idea how many hours total he sleeps, although I'm guessing it isn't as much as he should. This is likely mostly due to his short naps during the day too, which leads to the night fussiness. During the day when he is put down to sleep in the crib he will only stay sleeping for about 15-20 minutes (I think). Well see if I'm deluding myself of how much actual sleep he gets. Don't even get me started on how much sleep I actually get. Last night it was about 3-4 hours total, and that chock full of wakings. It really is quite incredible and I'm amazed at how well I'm able to function with so little sleep. Now that I'm back to work, rest when baby rests doesn't quite work. It is even harder at home because I'm expressing milk so even when he is asleep then I have 20-30 minutes of pumping to do before I can lay down. And remember, if he is 'napping' and not 'sleeping' that means that he is up and fussing before I'm done...you see the cycle and why I'm not sleeping?
I will say that he is doing better. I almost don't want to say that because I don't want to jinx it. He is still fussing, but at night falling back asleep quicker and without needing as long of a time of consoling.
Today at work I was very disappointed to find that I'd started my period already. I'm expressing milk so I thought I'd get a few months break. I had actually just stopped bleeding from the birthing process maybe a week ago, so this is pretty disappointing. I just looked up the normal range, and three to eight months is what one website states. I should call my doctor to make sure this is a real period and not something horrible. Now I have to deal with PMS too? Poor Mitch.

5 Weeks - Houston, we have SMILES and COLIC!

There is nothing more amazing than seeing my son smile up at me, even giving a small coo. My son has mastered the 'social smile'; that which is elicited after my own. At first, we thought it was still gas. Mitch had me convinced that I was wrong, but then he saw it too. And now it is a sure thing; his little angelic smile lights up his face, my spirit and makes me revert to baby talk to get more!

And now I'll write about the not so pleasant. My child is officially colicky. The good news is that armed with the book, "Healthy Sleep Habits, Healthy Child" I understand the predicament better, albeit there is still nothing I can do about it. I'm happy to know that the worst is likely over though, as he is reaching six weeks from the due date. I'm learning a lot about the difference between extreme colic, which is what we all think of; the incessant inconsolable crying for hours on end and another type of colic, generally ignored because it is constant fussing that would lead to crying if not for the dedicated consoling efforts of the parents. This second type is my child. Let me explain...

I think I haven't hit this topic before for two reasons. One, it is difficult to update the blog during these trying times (seriously, it was easier when I was hiking!) and I also didn't want to dwell on the negative. When Mitch and I first brought Elba home we congratulated ourselves on our perfect baby. He would wake to eat and pretty much go right back to sleep. This lasted I think a week or so I think. He became much more alert (quite to our surprise and excitement). It turns out this might not have been that much of a blessing, as now I see he probably wasn't getting as much sleep as he should. This started the night fussing. 10pm to 3am has generally been the fuss zone. I thought (and now I know a very common one) that maybe something I was doing was wrong; I cut out dairy completely as well as caffeine, we bought gas drops and experimented with the assorted soothing methods, including the bouncy chair, swing, rocker, noise machines, vacuum cleaner, running water, light on/off, quiet and daily activity noise, snugli holding, rocking, patting, driving, walking, EVERYTHING. What worked one minute or one day didn't then next or after about ten minutes. This would last hours...we were at a loss and very sleep deprived.
I never thought he was colicky because I know 'colic' means the whole crying/screaming bit and we were doing a good job of stopping it from getting that far. Elba would just be extremely agitated, get red faced, arch his back, etc. and just seem very unhappy and uncomfortable. I now know there is nothing that can be done, except for exactly what we are doing. There are many theories on what causes colic/fussiness but no for sure answers except that it occurs in 20% of infants, peaks at 6 weeks and is gone after 3 months. Aside from that, good luck...don't throw your baby out a window and do the best you can. Awesome. I never wanted to throw him out a window, but there were several late night sob sessions on my end.
When I was in Chicago for the three (?) nights, there was no crying/fussiness at night. This was right after stopping dairy, caffeine and getting the gas drops. I thought that was the solution. We were right back at it when I got home. I couldn't figure out what was different. I weaned myself back on some coffee (I had to, really) and sometimes it was all I could do to make a bowl of cereal and scarf it down, so with the addition of dairy again....nothing changed again.
At Elba's month check up we talked to the pediatrician about his night time fussiness and she suggested the above mentioned book. I downloaded it to the Kindle and I'm cramming when I can. But again, at this point there isn't much that we can do that we aren't already doing, except wait it out. It is good to have confirmation though that it isn't anything that I'm necessarily doing wrong.
Okay, its 11pm and he just started to fuss from sleep....I know where this is going...

Weight: 210

Clogged Milk Duct - WARNING THIS IS GROSS!

I really only wanted to update once a week, because not only did I not want to get too carried away and not ramble on about my mundane and somewhat chaotic motherhood experience, but also sometimes even just getting my once a week update done can be difficult. However tonight I had an experience I must write about. In fact, I should be sleeping right now because it is 2:30am, the baby is sleeping and I should be doing the same; but I just unclogged my first blocked milk duct!

So, over the last day I've been noticing the rocks on the right side don't go away after milking. Tonight it became too much and I decided I'd figure this out. I knew it was a clogged milk duct. I did a hot compress, massage and pumped a gillion times no no avail. I took a hot shower, had a glass of wine (it is supposed to help you relax and make let down easier), and tried a heating pad. I Googled it and it says that you need to try nursing in a different position so baby is sucking differently. Well, this doesn't help me, as I'm pumping exclusively these days. Well, my bathroom sink and counter is covered in milk now as I had to manually express the milk. Holy cow (no, not me; although it felt that way) that is time consuming and painful - but, WHALAH! clogged milk duct is taken care of.

But really, maybe because I don't have a penis to have practiced with all of my life, but my aim is horrible. Those crazy streams of milk have a mind of their own too. Oh well, mission accomplished. Not particularly something I thought I'd be doing tonight, but as I always said on the trail (and it's so true now in this adventure too), it could be worse!

I should also mention that pictures are updated on the Picasa website and I've uploaded three videos on the YouTube account.

4 Weeks - Broke my Back

Lots of stuff to talk about this past week. As my first day back to work (part time for a few weeks at first) has been getting closer, Mitch and I started to talk about what to do as far as child care for Elba during the day while I'm working. The long of the short is that Mitch is going to stay home with Elba during the day and decided to go to school at night for nursing. We are looking at the nursing program of several schools and likely that will impact our decision on where we go from here. I am so relieved and happy about this plan. Not only was I terrified at the thought of leaving Elba with a stranger so quickly, but also I'm so happy and excited that Mitch has decided what he wants to be when he grows up!

Speaking of our little bundle; he is teasing us with smiles! Sometimes I think it might be a real smile, but Mitch will insist that it is gas. I can't tell, but this is the right time for that milestone. Either way, it warms my heart and makes me laugh each time his big gummy mouth opens wide into a big smile.

So there was a day that I felt pretty motivated to feel accomplished in doing stuff for the day, so I went grocery shopping by myself with the boy in tow. I'd also cleaned the house during the day and made dinner when I got home. At the end of the day my knees and feet where aching...looks like I overdid it! I thought, "Okay, I'll take it easy." The very next day my back started to ache. My lower back, and each time I bent or tried to pick something up it would get a little worse. I thought, "Okay, I'll take it easy." The next morning I hurt from the moment I woke up. It was difficult to get out of bed. All day hurt as the pain spread through and up my back. That night was the worst. Every time I tried to bend and lift anything intense pain would shoot through my back. I called my doctor the next day to see if this was normal. Apparently it is common for new Mom's to strain their back as they don't their babies correctly (with their knees) and this gets compounded when you have weakened abdominal muscles from a C-section. What to do? Take a few days off of picking up anything and have a constant supply of pain killers coursing through me. That I can do. It has been two days and I'm feeling better, but still unable to bend at the waist and lift anything heavier than say ten pounds. Oh well, good excuse to have Mitch get up to get the baby for me. :)

Mitch and I had a bit of a meltdown this week too. Elba is not sleeping very well at night. His days and nights are still confused (we are working on this) and every night about 9:30-10:30 he starts getting fussy. Fussy is putting it lightly. That is when it starts, but it will last hours of nothing soothing him and despite our best efforts and attending all his needs he is not happy or content. One such night after several hours (I think around 2am) Mitch came out of the bedroom upset. I took him wrong or took exception to his attitude and we then got into it. This lead to him being angry at me as well. Without getting into all the details it was horrible and it took a few days for us to get over it and resolve our own issues with each other. This was really difficult and upsetting.

Weight - 115 (looks like it will be diet and exercise to keep up the loss at this point).

3 Weeks - Chicago

This past weekend I drove to Chicago to show off Elba to my family. 45 minutes into the trip I almost turned around and went back home when I stopped for gas and he wouldn't stop screaming. I wouldn't do this trip again alone. It was doable, but very stressful for both of us I'm sure. There were times that he would start screaming and there was nothing I could do. I tried to sing, rock the carrier one handed, put the pacifier in his mouth, even offered the bottle one handed and extremely unsafe driving practice! Any time the car stopped it was horrible. I learned from this and on the way home did everything in my power not to stop at all.

Last night I gave him his first real good bath. I'd given him a few sponge baths and even one in the sink with a towel laid down below him, but the umbilical cord was still a bit oozy so I didn't want to get his middle wet really. We got him good and clean in all his cracks last night!

I'm gonna keep this one short and work on posting updated pictures. Nothing else is really new or exciting. He is more alert, but no big milestones yet and the trip with family and friends was worth the stress. It was great to see everyone and let Elba soak up some attention while Mama got some needed rest!

Weight: 116.5

2 Weeks Down - 934 to go!

Just when you think you have started to figure it out - everything changes! Professor Fussinutter is currently experiencing AIGMS disease; not surprising, I have it too. Afraid I'm Gonna Miss Something is a serious disease that has kept me quite inconvenienced at times in my adult life, but to see the symptoms in my son is quit another matter entirely. On the bright side, he is more awake and alert throughout the day. On the bad side, he is really hard to put down right now. Literally, he wants to be held and rocked, patted, etc. He will be looking out at the world through a narrow slat in one eye, clearly tired and ready to sleep, but to put him down you would think I chopped off a few toes! This is generally manageable, except when this happens at three in the morning. Thank goodness for infinite patience in Mitch and I both.

I've also found that my baby is part lizard, as he is going through his first molting! It's very confusing...everyone says something different. Go ahead and put a little lotion on him or don't because it will mess up his natural ability to make his own oils. I put a little lotion on...I had it already and if it were me, I'd want a little lotion. The lotion aside, my son scowls at me constantly. I'm trying not to take this personally. He doesn't seem to like it when I talk to him or touch him the last few days. He prefers to either be left alone or rocked quietly to sleep, patting his bottom and whispering a constant 'shhh'.

We lost the umbilical cord stump on the 8th day, July 21st. I was changing his diaper the morning after Mitch's first volunteered night duty (more on this in a second) and noticed it was gone, although it did still sort of ooze a little over the next few days. I asked Mitch if he'd noticed it and he said no, I was likely going to find in my cereal! :) Later that day as I was laying on the couch with the boy I saw it on the living room carpet.

So Mitch wasn't sure why I was so tired and miserable in the mornings. He even asked me, "Well, what are you doing, staying up and watching him sleep?" I tried to explain that even though he would be up every 2-3 hours that doesn't mean that I got that much sleep even. He learned what I meant quickly the first night he stayed up with him and all I had to do was get up to pump. He had what I can only imagine was my face that morning. I felt wonderful!

I'm not sure I said before, but Mitch got laid off a few days after getting home from the hospital. You would think this would be horrible. This was wonderful for me. I love him being home with me. This is a lot of work, this having a baby...and I absolutely LOVE him being home, especially that I don't feel guilty for waking him in the middle of the night to help with a feeding, or when he takes the early morning shift and lets me sleep in a few hours. I have a new found respect and admiration for this man in my life.

So, we joke that my son hates me, like Stewie from Family Guy. It doesn't help that he has a scowl generally and it worsens when you make eye contact. I can't wait until he can smile and I know he is happy. I have cut dairy and caffeine out of my diet as it is making him colicky. Since doing that, the last couple of days have been better. We had a few nights of horror with unrelenting screaming like we were chopping his legs off or something. We tried everything; the vacuum, a walk, etc. and they all worked to put him to sleep, but he would jolt awake after 15 minutes screaming again. Then I broke another rule and brought him to bed with me. He slept for 4 hours! Hallelujah - breaking the rules rocks!

Weight: 218

1 Week Old

Today Elba is one week old! What an incredible week it has been. When we came home from the hospital we had our first small emergency. There have been a few of those! We didn't grab the last of the bandages with Vaseline from the hospital for the circumcision. Of course, it was mid-changing when we realized this. So, Mitch heads out to CVS while I am tasked with the job of making sure the site stays dry and clean. Oh, did I mention Elba was hungry and needed to nurse? This equals screaming baby! Another really exciting moment was one in which I left Elba diaper-less on the changing table and he rocketed liquid poop more than a foot as he lay on his side! I've never seen anything like it. I couldn't stop laughing, but Mitch was less than pleased.
I've had my own struggles; I still have constipation pretty badly despite taking Metamucil three times a day. My incision site is healing very well, but the process of getting up and down is still pretty painful. There is this stabbing pain I get on both sides of my lower abdomen every time I stand up that is enough to make me suck my breath in each time. Engorgement was relieved with hot shower, pump and cold compress treatments. That was crazy and unexpected. Because we were having so many problems with nursing after the initial engorgement and cracked/bleeding nipples, I decided to just start pumping and we would begin bottle feeding. This seemed easiest and inevitable. Mitch really wanted to be a part of feedings (and I'd appreciate the help), and with my having to be back to work in a month anyways...it just seemed the right answer. Elba had his first pediatrician visit yesterday to make sure everything worked and looked good (he is doing great - even almost back to birth weight). I asked about milk production increasing as his needs did and she said it should, but him actually nursing is a big part of that and I should try to nurse at least once a day. Since then, I put him back to breast and he took to it again, without issue!
Last night Mitch and I were able to put Elba down through the night without much hassle. He still woke every 2 hours or so, but I was able to feed him and get him and I back to bed each time. It was the best night so far (2 hours sleep, 1 hour wake, etc.), and then Mitch woke up and took the morning feeding for me; imagine my surprise when I woke up at 9am instead of 7am like I thought I would. I had a great morning which turned into a great day. I am amazed at how many sets of clothes we went through today though. He kept soaking his diapers and peeing on his clothes, despite us checking often for wetness! I am using 7th Generation Newborn Chlorine Free diapers right now that seem a little thin and maybe when we switch the the size one diapers next this will get a little better. We only have a few of these left and I'll start him on the size 1 Huggies I have lined up next tomorrow.

My weight today is 223.5 lbs - breastfeeding rocks!

Home Sweet Home

Beaumont hospital staff is wonderful and I think their facility is stellar; let me first say that while I'm thinking over my stay there. They have three shifts of two nurses per day that each come in and introduce themselves, and write their phone numbers on my room's dry erase board to be at my beck and call. This also equals a lot of people poking, prodding, wiping, changing and inspecting me. If I every had any modesty issues they are gone now. Those went out the door the first day when I had to be walked to the bathroom by a nurse who held my catheter and IV line aside while I wobbled over, fluids gushing just after standing up (this actually scared Mitch quite a bit; he thought I was hemorrhaging and might die-it was a lot!), changed my garments for me and washed me up. I really was quite incapable of doing anything, including feeling embarrassment or anything other than complete respect and adoration for this lady whom I was completely dependent on in that moment.
After the surgery, we all were taken into a recovery room which was a transitional room before the final recovery room I'd spend the next 3 nights in. Mitch went to go get Janet and Damie. Janet came in with tears and was the second person to hold Elba. Then Damie held him for a bit too. At this point I was still very numb and even my left hand was pins and needles. I wasn't allowed to hold him yet. A nurse came in and helped me breast feed. She sort of held him above me, holding his head above my breast. Not quite the way I'd imagined it, but still within the half hour they recommend. The rest of Tuesday we all just enjoyed our new arrival, all taking turns holding and cuddling the baby. I was put on morphine and was really thirsty. I was only allowed to eat ice chips and sip water because I guess after taking out pieces of your insides and putting them back in it takes a little while for things to work again. Well, I ate too many ice chips and ended up throwing up a bit. I told the nurse this because I'm honest and wanted them to know in case it was important. I told her was only a little bit and had a lot to do with me sitting up and moving around too quickly also. She said okay and helped me to the bathroom. I was almost back to my bed when I puked again...but a lot more than a little. The ice chips and water were taken away from me until the next day. :(
I couldn't wait to get home to sleep because I hardly did any of that in the hospital. There is constantly someone coming in to check on you, instruct you, give you papers to sign, check the baby, etc. Between that and the feedings and changings of me and baby...it was exhausting. Elba hated the plastic crib thing that he was supposed to be put to sleep in, so at night I had to hold him. Only you aren't allowed to fall asleep with the baby in bed so there was no sleeping for me.
Elba took well to nursing, except that he would stop and pull back sometimes to only suck on the nipple after a while, which yields sore, bleeding nipples. This had just started when I then also became engorged. Elba didn't eat almost all day when my milk came in because of the circumcision. This was a very frustrating day for both of us. He couldn't quit latch and I didn't know what to do. This was in the middle of the night when he finally wanted to each so the lactation consultant wasn't there. The nurse did her best to help me and suggested I pump and cup feed him. This worked reasonably well, but I was concerned with a longer term solution.
We opted to participate in the Michigan Infant Screening (the heel stick) where they test for a bunch of different things. I was surprised they didn't take him out of the room for this. Mitch and I both had a hard time while they stabbed and squeezed the heels of our baby boy. I definitely got to hear his 'pain' or 'scared' cry which was different than his 'hungry' cry - I had to go into the bathroom because I started to cry. There were also a few other moments these first days that I cried; just looking at my son brought on some tears of happiness.
Thanks to everyone that came to visit in the hospital! Grandma Toni and Grandpa Tom came into town Thursday night to visit and were taking Damie back with them to Chicago Friday. Friday was a hectic morning and afternoon for me as I was getting everything ready, waiting for the cracked out lactation consultant that proved to be useless to come, and needing to take the first bowel movement otherwise they were threatening me with a suppository. I was being cranky with Mitch and just wanted to go home. The sweating also had started so I was feeling gross and wanted to just get home, shower and relax! We checked out by 12:30, said our goodbyes and I was in the car heading home with our new bundle. I cried on the way home too; a good cry, not a bad cry! :) What an emotional experience.
Weight at home - 241.5 lbs

Week 41 - The New Arrival

Okay, so here goes the long story of the birth of Elba Aden Trowbridge II:

Monday morning, July 12 I woke at 7:20 am with a contraction that felt different from any I'd felt before. I fell back asleep but about 20 minutes later the same thing happen. I thought this might be the beginning of something. The pain itself wasn't it, and looking back now; gosh, it was really nothing pain wise, but this contraction lasted a little longer (maybe 5 seconds total) than anything I'd felt so far, which had mostly felt like menstrual cramps. At this point almost daily Mitch has been asking me, "Are you going to have my baby today?" This morning I said, "maybe". I told him what was going on and we both agreed that we shouldn't jump the gun though and went to work.
It occurred to me to start writing down contraction times at about 10:30AM. They stayed the same until about 2PM although they were slightly becoming a little more painful. They stayed about 8-15 minutes apart until a little before 3:30PM. I had two contractions that were six minutes apart and started to wrap things up at work for the day. I told my boss finally that I was heading home before I got stuck at work. My boss is pretty great and was more stressed than I was I think throughout the day. She would come in for constant updates and at one point said something like, "I can't handle this, do you have any chocolate?" I told it would be okay and asked if she needed to go home or if she was alright. We have a good relationship. :) Maybe I'm nuts for even going in to work, but really the other option was to stay home and drive myself crazy.
Okay, so when I got home Mitch and Damie were there and I told them to get the last minute items ready and to get things by the door because I was pretty sure we were going to be leaving for the hospital today. From 3:30 to about 8PM I was having contractions still 5-10 minutes apart and getting more painful. Damie and went for a walk to CVS. I didn't need anything, but I hoped walking would help speed things up. I was definitely every 5 minutes by the time I got home and they were painful enough that I wasn't quite able to talk through it. I called my Dr. and was told to go to the hospital and get checked. We loaded the car and off we went, well....after we had to turn around once because Mitch forgot his wallet! Haha
Mitch and I went into triage at about 10:30PM and I was examined. I had already been thinking about what I might be able to have for pain. I still wanted to not have the epidural but I thought something to take the edge off might be nice. The nurse hooked me up to monitors and told me I was only 2cm. She said she had to get me to 3 to admit me and talk about pain management options with my doctor. Okay, I said. So, in she goes and apparently manually got me to 3cm. I was not expecting this, although I guess I'm not really sure what she meant or had in mind, and I certainly wasn't expecting that much pain from the 'stretching'(?) she was doing. She seemed to enjoy my pain. I didn't like her much after that. Or that I had to sit there for an hour while they tried to contact my doctor. That hour was horrible and what the nurse told me was now I was in active labor. Every contraction was increasingly more painful and difficult to get through. I really underestimated the pain. Mitch had to remind me to keep breathing. I kept wanting to hold my breath. They were coming so quickly too, every 1-3 minutes...the thought of doing this for hours was totally overwhelming to me. I talked to the nurse about pain management options, but in the back of my head I already knew that I would get an epidural as soon as possible. My desire going into this was to go natural all the way. This logically made sense to me and I was pretty passionate and adamant about sticking to what I wanted - until the reality of the pain hit me like a truck!
The epidural was fairly painless. I was so nervous I would move or jump too much. It felt odd, that is the only way to describe it. Not painful, just weird. The anesthesiologist said I did fine though. It kicked in right away, I got set up on the two belly monitors (one for contractions, the other for baby's heart rate). Janet (Mitch's mom) arrived and I greeted her with a smile! I got itchy and felt stoned, but that was a thousand times easier to deal with than the contractions. I could watch a contraction happening on the monitor and feel nothing. This was awesome; this kind of active labor I could do! It was 12:30AM.
The hospital staff told us all to rest and sleep if we could. What a joke! Mitch and Damie were out for the next 8 or so hours. Janet fitfully slept I think and often was up asking if I was okay. It was impossible for me to sleep. The automatic blood pressure cuff goes off every so often and then tons of people keep coming in and asking questions, introducing themselves, checking this or that. At some point they decided to break my water. Soon after they did Elba's heart rate starting dropping. They put me on oxygen and started me on a saline internal pump because they thought he was laying on the umbilical cord after the water broke. I also had to be switched over to internal monitors as well as had been given a catheter earlier. I had I think 4 different wires and tubes coming out of me! I often gushed the saline/amniotic fluid often so I was constantly being changed and checked for dry linen and towels.
Around 5:30 or so I was starting to feel pressure in my bottom as well as some pain as the epidural was wearing off again. I asked to be checked and was found to be at 8cm! Oh boy, things were gonna get rolling here soon I thought. I know on average it takes a centimeter an hour however it can be a lot faster and often is. I asked for more epidural and they said no because they didn't want me too numb. An hour later I asked to be checked again because I was again having to moan through contractions, forcing myself to remember to breath. I was still at 8 - oh no! They also found that Elba was upside down. He was 'Sunny Side Up' looking up at the ceiling instead of the floor like he should. This makes sense, as I was also having some hip pain which was hurting more because I couldn't change positions. Elba also apparently only liked me to be on one side and his heart rate would drop when I tried to roll onto my right side. The on call doctor said that my doctor would be here at 7AM so I might actually have her here to deliver the baby. She was witness to a contraction and agreed to give me more epidural. About 7:30 my doctor came in and I made a joke about not being able to keep my appointment today with her at noon where we were going to talk about induction options since I was a week overdue.
She checked me and I was still at 8 - NOT good. Not only was he sunny side up, but he also had descended into the birth canal and wanted to come out, bumping my cervix with his head, causing a cervical lip basically of inflamed tissue that makes labor harder. She propped me into a position so that the baby might turn over the right way. I also agreed to start Pitocin. This was truly my choice. The doctor knew I didn't want pit originally and she said she'd wait all day...she said she was concerned though about the other small things but if I never got to 10 that didn't matter. She said the writing was already on the wall for a C-section. After another hour of nothing going on I agreed.
Mitch was able to come in with me but they did put up the big blue barrier so he couldn't see anything. I was shaking uncontrollable the entire time. My teeth were chattering. I tried to relax, to think of something else other than that I was being split open and my baby was being extracted from me. Mitch was holding my hand and whispering quietly to me that I was doing great and he was so proud of me. I just have to say that he was incredible the entire time. His support was amazing when I needed it and he reassured me the whole way. This process brought a whole different kind of intimacy between us that is so powerful.
Okay, back to the story! At 9:46AM July 13th Elba Aden Trowbridge II was born into this world weighing 9 lbs and was 22 inches long. Mitch was able to look over the curtain for a moment and see him laying on my chest. They showed me via mirror too, but it wasn't until he let loose that first cry that tears just started streaming down my face. My eyes are leaking now just recounting the story...what an intense emotional experience. The doctor told me at that point that she was glad we didn't even start pushing or anything because it wasn't possible that I would have been able to push him out because of his position. He was leading with his forehead also instead of tucking his chin like he should have. They wrapped him up and gave him to Mitch. It was hard for me to really see him very well and what I did see was sort of a big puffy red face that didn't resemble anything familiar. It sounds strange but it didn't really sink in that that was MY child...he looked so weird and strange. Maybe this is another thing that from having the cesarean and not releasing those hormones and all that would have been different.

Looking back, I wonder if the epidural might have caused the stall, or if I would have been in active labor for 10 hours if I hadn't taken it. But I also know that I really was thinking with each contraction that I didn't know how I'd get through the next one. I'm disappointed that I wasn't able to deliver vaginally, and hope that next time maybe things will be different. I know that often labor is a lot faster with a second birth also. I still feel the same about natural child birth (is that weird?) and I would like to try again...maybe next time with the professional help of a midwife, a tub to get in and out of, and maybe try to re-commit myself through education and practice. I don't have regrets about any of the decisions I made though, and I'm glad I got the epidural knowing know I couldn't have pushed him out. that would be an awful lot of pain to endure to then still have had to get the C section.

I'll wrap this entry up here, with just the birth story...but really there is so much more I want to write about. I'm finishing writing this on Elba's 5th day of life and have so much more to add than just the birth story, but for now...that is all you get (and mostly because he is starting to fuss in the swing and I know he is ready for a feeding; as I already said, he is the boss of me!)

I think my weight was right about 250 lbs going into the hospital.

2-5 Days Overdue

My friend Josh and I share this joke that I'm the boss of everyone. I have however found that I'm the boss of everyone except the baby clutching onto my insides while I try to shake him free - too much of a visual there? :) I really do imagine he looks like Santa Claus finding that someone left a fire on at the bottom of the chimney and he has braced himself; arms, legs and back wedged against all sides of my cervix stating that he 'aint going anywhere yet'. I tried creative visualization last night. My visions of opening flowers are apparently not strong enough to ellicit any kind of action.

Neil, my step-father headed back to Illinois last night.

Every twinge my uterus makes I am hopefull that it is the start of labor. Every time I use the bathroom or shower I'm eagerly awaiting the sight of the plug (gross, but true)! Every morning this week I've woken and gotten dressed for work I wonder if it will be last. I wonder if I won't even have the baby until my Grandparents are driving back from Maryland to Chicago on the 14th. I imagined them visiting me at home after a week of recovery instead of potentially at the hospital.

I'm ready to start punching people out at work. Not just for asking when I'm gonna have the baby (really, like I'm crossing my legs and not letting him out!) but also because I think pregnancy hormones are starting make me grouchy. Really, I'm a bit more short tempered and iritable I think. I know, like duh! but I've been really good I think up until this last week. I'M DONE - I'm done being a good sport about pregnancy and everything else! Oh man, fingers are crossed and bets are being made that sometime over the weekend it will happen. I hope so! Mitch and I were just talking about what he will look like and I can't wait to see the little buggaroo!

Week 40 - Show me the BABY!

So there I was, the night of July 3rd, I got home from a friend's birthday BBQ and I started having contractions and things were looking exciting! I even called Mitch (who had stayed at the get together) to warn him I might be calling for him to come home if this kept up, fingers crossed. I knew what to do, they all say get sleep while you can! It was 11:30 PM so I went to go to sleep, wondering if I might wake in a few hours with a wet bed or something. As soon as I laid down everything stopped. Damn Braxton Hicks.
July 4th - the Due Date - we went to Mitch's moms house for BBQ and awaited my step father and sister's arrival from Chicago. We fished, swam and had a good time...without even a hiccup of any kind of contractions. Damn.
July 5th - I go to work and everyone is disappointed to see me. This begins what will continue everyday, increasingly turning into even looks of disdain, "You haven't had that baby yet?!" It's on everyone's lips and faces, mocking me.
July 6th - I'm excited for my 9AM doctors appointment to confirm that at least SOMETHING is happening. Actually not, I'm not even dilating at all. Still zero, damn! They want to wait another week to see what happens. Oh man.
July 7th - I'm getting a lot of things done at work that I didn't think I'd be able to. My belly is getting even bigger and heavier...it is starting to hurt. Getting out of bed every two hours at night to pee is really starting to suck...my hips and crotch hurt most of all then. But the good news is during the day I'm not to the miserable state that so many other preggos get to at this point...I'm still smiling and going through the motions.

Week 39 - Git In MEH BELLY!

I was walking over to the pool today (no comment yet on how awesome I look in my bathing suit right now!) and I was having great appreciation for family and friends. I haven't purchased anything for baby yet, and I have everything I need for now. Yeah, I know I will certainly have lots of out of pocket in a bit with whopping (mmm...I want some Whoppers, the candy kind, not the cheeseburger) hospital bills, but I'm lucky to have the support that I do to make this part easy. With having to buy a new car a few months ago and still paying off my student loans, not to mention the rest of the regular bills, money is tight...and this is just one thing that I've not had to think about...and I was thinking about that today. That I have an incredible support system of family and friends and how some people don't have that. It made me very appreciative for everyone in my life.

So, my last Tuesday doctor appointment revealed that I'm just starting to dilate, but not even to 1 yet, so still looking to be on time. I'm wondering if I might go over though. He hasn't even dropped yet, which can happen as early as the 35th week.

I was also thinking a lot about body image today. It started because as I was walking over to the pool, wearing my suit and cover-up I became aware that my thighs were rubbing together while walking. Not just a little bit up at the top which is normal for me, but the entire thigh area pretty much down to my knees. So here's the thing; this didn't bother me one bit. There was no twinge of guilt, not a negative thought at all...in fact, I felt very good that I was even walking my swollen enlarged self over to the pool to swim, in public, in a too tight bathing suit. I have really accepted my physical form that I've struggled against since senior year when I started to put on weight and into adulthood as I continued; obsessed with food, diet, exercise, etc. I haven't yo-yo'ed like Oprah, but I've gone through the stages that I suppose most people have through adulthood; put it on, take it off, try this diet or that, a cleansing fast here or there, eliminate this or only eat that; exercise commitments held then abandoned, glaring looks to the desk that binds me, or sometimes the couch. Top it off with the ever frustrating thyroid issues that make all efforts sometimes seem for naught and I've been a guilt ridden, down on myself kind of girl with moments of clarity, strength and focus for over ten years now ever since I grew out of the 32 inch waist mens jeans I wore in high school (either I didn't have a junior's section or I didn't know it existed, but men's jeans made my butt look better than the 'mom jean' alternative in the women's section. Anywho, the point of all this was that I'm now at my heaviest (I just went over my previous heaviest weight I think thanks to those aforementioned milkshakes) and I'm the happiest with my body in a long time. I don't know why this is or if any other ladies experience this thinking solely linked to pregnancy in some way, but I feel great in my adult skin for one of the first times 100%, stretch marks, cellulite and all! As much as I'm ready to be able to be limber at the waist again, I think I'm going to miss my belly. Well, I'm hungry and there is a full kitchen of assorted items calling and whispering to me that I should pick this over that, but I'm sort of in the mood for crab rangoons to be honest, but that seems like so much effort!

38 Weeks - Anytime Now

Last Tuesday I had my first check under the hood and the doctor said that my cervix is ripening (softening) but there is no dilation or anything else exciting going on right now, which means so far I'm right on schedule. I am now going to be getting checked every Tuesday since technically I'm now within the two weeks of my due date and could go at any time now! Woah!

Mitch had his first baby dream this week. He said he couldn't remember the details exactly, but he remembered he was putting the baby to sleep and he looked down and saw his cute little face. He's ready; he keeps telling me to give him his baby! We went to his favorite breakfast spot for "not first Father's Day". He is adamant that he is not celebrating his first Fathers Day this year. He didn't really resist though when throughout the day he was getting his way only because it was Fathers Day. :)

I'm still feeling the same; good overall. I went over to my friend Erin's house last night and her mom painted my belly. She did this nice sunset scene of a dragon bending down and kissing a baby dragon. I'll upload pictures as soon as I can. I really need to take some artsy belly pictures if I'm gonna do it before I go into labor here. I've been having some random contractions, but nothing really too exciting. I think I'll go right to my due date, if not over. I've had it too easy to go early on top of it!

37 Weeks - Old People Say the Darndest Things!

I have heard this week both, "Is there something wrong with the baby, you are too small for 9 months!" as well as, "Are you sure you don't have twins in there?" from residents at the senior housing community I work at. For everyone's information, I've gained about 30 lbs and haven't gained any in the last few weeks (which is normal), despite my getting rounder. This means the baby is stealing my fat; take it I say! I'm actually quite proud of my weight gain through this. I'm not yet past the highest number I've ever seen when stepping on the scale (about 6 years ago I was 240 at my heaviest). I put on a most weight surprisingly in the first trimester, I think from lack of energy and giving into cravings. Otherwise, I've maintained a healthful diet with lots of fruit, veggies, dairy and grain. I haven't eaten much meat, but I've substituted eggs and cottage cheese so I can still get protein as well as lots of green leafy for iron. The way I was packin' on the pounds at first I thought for sure I was going to gain at least 50 lbs by the end, but third trimester really slowed for weight gain. I think it also helps that my stomach is squished so much that I can't eat much before being full, and I know if I get to that point that I'll have heartburn like a mother! Actually, heartburn has become the chronic norm now unfortunately. I was able to keep it under control the last month or so with Tums and glasses of milk. But now, the only thing that helps...is a milkshake! I know what you are thinking, "Yeah, right...okay Amy, a milkshake is the 'only thing' that will help, how terrible." But really, and I'm not really a milkshake kind of person either. I'd rather go straight for the ice cream....but milkshakes it is right now! Yeah, and they are tasty too! I'm a bit nervous that this habit will start the pounds packin' again. Did you know that a milkshake/frosty/jamoca shake is like a million times worse than say an ice cream cone? Something about the different kinds of mix they use for each. I would eat the ice cream cone if I thought it would do the same thing...but magically it doesn't. I'm not kidding; milkshakes FTW!

Yesterday my co-workers had a surprise baby shower for me at work with the residents. It was really very nice. My co-workers chipped in on a wagon filled with goodies, and some residents brought gifts too. I was very touched by the whole thing. I mean really, the generocity of everyone, some of which hardly know me...it was really too nice!

This weekend Janet is hosting my baby shower in Michigan. I've been very bad at attending social gatherings lately, as I've said before, so I'm really looking forward to seeing all my lady friends. My good friend Erin is also going to be in town since she moved out of state a while ago, I'm so happy to get to spend some time with her too!

In a few days I'll be going to my doctor appointment and they will inspect me for the first time, looking to see if I'm dialated at all. I'm pretty excited to have some sort of indication if I'll be on time or not. I still need to pack my hospital bag! I did install the car seat last night though! :) Tonight I think Mitch and I will put together the crib that was delivered the other day! Its all happening!

36 Weeks - One Month to Go?!

How time flies by! I can't believe in one month (or maybe even sooner-yikes!) that day is coming that I'll drive to the hospital, undergo the most painful experience that I've had so far and be rewarded with meeting the new human life that I've been growing inside my body. That is crazy talk I tell you!

Last weekend Mitch's mom (Janet) and I drove to Illinois for my baby shower. It was really nice, aside from the no punch! :) Really, there was no punch but it was the joke all day, "Who doesn't serve punch at a baby shower!" Janet assured me that we would have punch at my Michigan shower. The night before my shower I had a nightmare that I was at the baby shower and I started to bleed. I called for my aunt to help me and she had her friend (who happened to be a nurse) come to my aid. The lady told me that nothing was wrong, but I was going to have the baby now. I started crying and yelling that I couldn't have the baby here; I needed to call Mitch and he would be so mad if I had the baby without him. Then I realized that I hadn't even packed the hospital bag so I'd have to tell him what to grab first too. Then I realized I didn't have a car seat yet either. I decided that I needed to fly back home to Detroit to have the baby and that would be faster than driving, so I headed off the the airport. There was more drama in the airport with security but I woke up somewhere in there.

Thankfully I got the stroller/car seat travel system at the baby shower so that part of my nightmare has been relieved! I plan on packing the hospital bag soon and there aren't anymore plans of fleeing Michigan this late in the game. My aunt Natalie and Aunt Coleen threw the shower and it was great; good food and excellent company. It was really good to see my family and to have Janet meet everyone too. I got to see some that I haven't seen in a very long time. I was a little disappointed that some of my extended cousins didn't make it, but it was Memorial Day weekend afterall!

No new baby info...I'm just getting bigger. I can't bend over to touch my toes and maybe I've developed a little bit of a waddle. I wonder each time I shave my legs if it will be the last time...its almost getting there. My last doctors appointment I did the Strep B culture and I'll find out if I have it. Then I go each week for the last three weeks. I have a theory that I will give birth to this child on exactly the due date because I've had such the perfect pregnancy. Next appointment they will start checking things out to tell me if I'm dialated at all yet!

Well, I have many thank you cards to get out and Mitch is waiting for me at Mom's for our 'camping' weekend with some friends. The last two weeks have really flown by, and I can't decide if I want the next two to fly by also, or if I'd rather sort of savor the time of naps and watching my belly move! :)

34 Weeks - Love it / Hate it

A few days ago there was a bit of a meltdown at work. Some employees of one of our partner companies were let go and instead of leaving quietly they threw a tantrum. I don't even want to go into all the details, but it was drama! My boss and I had to get involved, call the police and have them escorted out. Before the police arrived however, they were shouting, angry and lashing out even at me personally. Everything they were saying was ridiculous, but at one point I really thought one of the girls might attack me. I tried to stay very calm, not respond and really just try to diffuse the situation. I will tell you though, the adrenalin was pumping and my pulse was racing. I had just had lunch and Elba is most active after eating. That and all the excitement had him doing a dance. So since then I've been taking it easy and relaxing.

So, whats new in pregnancy land? I'm getting tired again, not as bad as the first trimester, but still pretty done by the time I get out of work. Sometimes I come home and take a nap while Mitch makes dinner, and then that means that I can stay up till maybe midnight until ten. But then I'm not sleeping very well at night, tossing and turning. Having to get up to pee a million times doesn't help especially if baby starts up when I lay back down because then I can't fall asleep. I'm getting excited about meeting my son. That sounds weird! My friend Jen just had her baby, and Mitch's friend just had his baby. My co-worker's wife is being induced this next week. Honestly, I'm pretty ready. I'm not looking forward to the next 6 weeks of TV, tiredness and feeling incredibly slothful and inactive. Or maybe that is just my feelings this week! I'm starting to not enjoy this as much. My feet and legs are pretty swollen at the end of every day now and my crotch perpetually hurts. Sounds funny, right? It feels like when you go bike riding for too long. I asked the doctor and she said it is my pelvic bones separating - nice! This was one of those new things I hadn't ever heard of.

I can deal with the physical burdens much more than the emotional ones though. I am down on myself. I have always been one to push and motivate myself to being productive and fulfilled. I have watched more TV in the past year than I think the last 10 years. I'm not joking. I had avoided cable for years and was pretty adamant that TV is a colossal waste of time. Okay I still have kept shows that I watch, but I'm more of the rent the DVD type and pretend it is a movie. I've never been a channel surfer. Now I have a DVR. I can record and watch anything I want and skip the commercials too! I have taken leaps backward! I am ready to cancel the cable again...after having the baby. But until then, I am beating myself up for being such a bum. This weekend, I had two gatherings Friday night to attend. The plan was hit one for two hours, hit the other and be back before midnight because I am working this weekend. I shouldn't have come home. I took my clothes off to change, had a bowl of cereal for dinner and faced the choice of putting clothes back on and going out and having a secret rendezvous with the couch in my jammies. Guess which won...and I feel so guilty, but on the other hand, is it excused? Can't I just stay home , shrug my shoulders and say "I'm 8 1/2 months pregnant!" and let that excuse cover any hurt feelings? Don't I get a free pass this once? Or is that just my own guilty conscience talking? Like I said, I'm pretty ready already to do this. They say a baby changes everything. I hope so!

33 Weeks

The ultrasound revealed that the placenta has moved over more than 3 cm at this time, so that is a go for vaginal birth! It is hard to think about my time being pregnant coming to an end soon and having Elba actually here. I am so excited to meet him, but also getting more and more scared of the big event as it looms closer. I keep reminding myself that many women with less pain tolerance and bravery have done this successfully. So far that helps for now.

I had one of the best weekends with Mitch. We didn't do anything special, but we just really got along well and connected this weekend. Maybe because I was out of town for a few days this week in Chicago at a work conference, I don't know, but it was really nice. I can't say the same for Mother's Day weekend. We ended up fighting over stupid things. I think it was a combination of my being hormonal and crazy and him not being the most patient and understanding that day. For some reason normal communication was not within our grasp and we opted for retreating to neutral corners. Well I can say that now looking back, but at the time we were both pretty fired up and not too happy with each other. I of course felt a bit of a martyr as well, pitying my first Mothers Day as a horrible failure.

32 Weeks - First Mothers Day!

I bought a new car! A bright and shiny 2008 Honda CR-V now is what I'm sporting around in these days. I'd decided over the last year or so that I wanted a small SUV for extra storage for traveling (and now baby too!), and realized I wanted to stay true to Honda because I love them so. I'm pushing almost 200 thousand miles on the 2000 Civic and it is still a champ. This left me basically between the Element and CR-V. Both cars are great, but I don't like the boxy Element nearly as much as the sweet looking CR-V, so there you have it! I went to Honda Bloomfield and was helped by Ron, who I recommend for your used car needs. I feel like I'm big pimpin' when I drive and I haven't had THAT feeling for a while! I won't let Mitch drive the new car. He is a better driver than I am, it isn't that I'm afraid he will wreck it. It is just my little treat right now that I'm keeping all to myself. :)

Other than that, nothing else new really. I have to go next week for another ultrasound to see if the placenta is moved over enough so that I don't have to have a C-section. Tomorrow is Mother's Day - I guess this is my first as a mother instead of a daughter! I did a short speech about being a new mother at our resident function at work. I talked about seeing Mother's Day from a new perspective and ended with a very nice George Washington quote.

Speaking of work, I applied for a transfer to a Chicago property but didn't get it. The regional director said she had already hired someone before getting my request. I believe this, and she also talked about in the future that being a possibility. So, I'm brushing up on the marketing side of things and learning more about the differences in senior housing and residential so hopefully next go around I'll be ready. I was looking forward to maybe moving back to the Chicago area, but staying is good too! :)