Nightmare

Many years ago I fell asleep in the passenger seat driving home from a NERO event. While asleep I had a dream in which I was sitting in that same spot, looking out the window and all of a sudden there was a 'pop', a hole in the window and blood splatter. In the dream, I looked over to the driver of the vehicle and was starting to say that I've been shot, but then my vision started fading and I couldn't talk, ultimately leading to me slumping over. At that moment, I jolted awake in the car and was disoriented and confused. It took me a second to realize I'd just been dreaming. I was elated at the realization that I wasn't dying and everything was fine. I cheerily told my boyfriend who was driving about the 'freaky' dream I just had and how weird it was.

The other night something similar happened, but it was not freaky or weird, it was downright horrifying and I still can't shake it. I was sleeping in bed and dreamt that I was sitting in bed and Elba was sitting playing on the floor beside me eating pieces of an apple. I can vividly remember the bright red skin of the piece that he started to choke on, completely blocked his airway and caused his whole head to turn red, his eyes to widen, and I witnessed my sons panicked thrashing as I jumped up out of bed to grab him and begin the Heimlich. All of a sudden there were pillows on the floor, it is dark and Elba must have slipped around the corner when I was getting up because now he is gone! I'm shaking with adrenaline, and flinging the pillows on the ground around, maybe he is under one? I flipped the light on and was trying to keep myself from throwing up so I could find Elba...good lord, he was choking and might die soon! I couldn't find him, he had disappeared. I'm now aware that Lou is sitting up in bed looking at me scared, "What?! What's wrong?" I can't explain the whole thing, but I'm pissed that he isn't looking for Elba too. "I can't...I can't...I can't find it" is what I think I said. "What? What can't you find?" he asked, and it was actually him that brought me back to reality and made me realize that Elba was fine, in bed asleep and I had been too. I was shaking so bad I thought I might fall over, so I remember squatting down and getting on the floor and then just laughing at the realization. Lou told me that he had woken up not by the commotion or the light being turned on, but rather by my blood curdling scream. I don't remember screaming at any point. I think I woke up when I was getting out of bed, but I'm honestly not sure...I was never aware that I woke up, that anything had changed, and I was so disoriented that I didn't for a second realize that the continuity of Elba missing didn't make sense. It was so real....and so very scary.

16 MONTHS

Time is flying. I have been meaning to sit down and catch up on the blog for some time. The rash he had I'm pretty sure was the soap; now we have some eczema and a yeast rash currently to work on and makes things interesting. Crawling is so out these days; I can't remember the last time I saw him crawl. He has taken now to running; he likes it when I comment on how fast he goes. It's the little things. He is talking a lot now too. We saw my mom the other day, and he said 'Grandma'. When he isn't making understandable words (which unless he repeats something I said, that is the case) he is full of gobblygook; it is so cute. Favorites are to read stories and not so favorite is eating. I think he must be eating a lot at lunch at daycare because dinner is generally very limited. He picks and then throws his food on the floor, the universal sign for all done. Even though he can say all done, that is the preferred method for hasty removal of the chair.
I really need to get pictures off my camera and get better at taking them. The first 6 months I took pictures of everything and now I forget to bring the camera, forget to take pictures if I do, or forgot to change the battery pack. I was able to snap a few when we went trick or treating at my aunt's with her kids before the battery died. Elba dressed up as a bee and I used a previous year's Raggedy Ann costume. I had no intention of dressing up, but then I had a work event that I had to so thankfully my costume wasn't too inaccessible.
My current employer's insurance is ridiculously expensive to add a dependent ($40 min for me, but with a child $240 min)! So, I put him on the state's All Kids program. I make too much and have to pay $40/month for it, but that is much more reasonable. He got a TB test the other day when I brought him in the yeast rash and shots. But this doctor doesn't do 15 months shots and on their time line he was up to date (?) so I have to bring him next month instead. Well and tomorrow to check the TB (it's fine).
I'm still just totally wiped out by the end of the day...I don't think that is gonna change for a while unfortunately. I haven't been taking my thyroid pills as I should or drinking enough water. I'm sure that would help and I'm gonna try harder. Because I'm so busy during the day and then with Elba at night, I pretty much have no desire to look at any kind of screen in the evening and I've taken to reading, which I've always said I need to do more of anyway. It is my relaxing time. I wish I had the energy or motivation to work out. I think I really had it right in Michigan by going to the gym directly after work. Elba has been going to bed earlier, sometimes as early as 6:30 or 7, but generally 7:30pm. I don't think if I went to gym after work I'd be happy about the time spent with him though. I leave work between 5-6pm, so you do the math on how much QT I'm getting with him during the week. That stinks, but also why I cherish the weekends.
Since moving, I've been out to Michigan now twice for Mitch and his family to spend time with him. I'll be honest, it sucks. It sucks having to give up a weekend a month with Elba when I already have so little time with him. It sucks more to drive 10 hours once a month. I'm going again for November and Christmas. Mitch was supposed to come out in November but he can't take off work. I swore that I wasn't going to, but I feel guilty for Elba and I don't want him to not see them for two months. That is a long time for such a young age. I'm putting my foot down on January though...and I hate driving in snow/bad weather. I will pick anyone up at the train station, but I just am not comfortable making the drive in dangerous conditions. I'm sure that will be fine. Mitch didn't pressure me about November, it was my choice to go. If the weather is okay then I'd rather go now than when I really don't feel it is safe. Mitch and my relationship and communication have been very good. I even stayed over there last time I was out. I tried to occupy myself doing things and being away during the day. Elba is clingy and a bit of a Momma's boy if I'm around and I wanted them to enjoy their time together. It was nice to have time to myself and get some things done. I'm thinking of getting a massage and doing some Christmas shopping this next trip.
Okay, I'm just itching to get off the computer and I don't have much else to report on. Everything at work is great as well as things with Lou. He is working two part time jobs at the moment and hoping something will turn into full time. I'm just glad he found work and he is saving up for school next semester. It's a little bit of a grind right now, but I don't mind it; nothing is too difficult or stressful. It is actually kind of a peaceful routine we have going.

Lovin' It

Elba is getting some more teeth in at the moment, and these ones are kickin' our butts. He also recently broke out in hives or some sort of rash that could be a few different things. I started using a new soap (we are thinking that is it) but we also went to Goeberts pumpkin farm on Sunday and there were pumpkins he was rolling around in, hay we sat on and two outdoor tents filled with different African animal (possible allergens) to choose from. He has been around both pumpkin and hay and he didn't touch any of the animals, so I'm pitching the soap and moving forward. On the bright side this doesn't seem to be bothering him since he is getting horribly painful teeth in too.
Elba is a walkin' fool! He rarely crawls anymore and totters around quite well. It is adorable. Do you know what isn't adorable? Tantrums...yes, we are getting there now. I've gotten a few "I want to do this thing you won't let me" full body throwing and screaming like you are stabbing me tantrums. It's quite scary. I'm consulting this years bible, Happiest Toddler on the Block, so I'll get back with you on how that goes. This weekend he didn't get enough sleep (neither did I) and we are all cranky about it. The three of us vowed to rest this upcoming weekend and spend some needed QT together. We moved into the new place about two weeks ago and it has been all business. After getting out of work, taking care of Elba and putting stuff away and getting settled, Lou and I haven't had much time to really do fun stuff or connect. I haven't gotten much downtime or time to myself either, so I'm starting to feel a little stretched thin and am really needing to take some time this weekend to relax. It's Lou's birthday on Saturday and when I asked him what he wants to do he said to just stay home and hang out together. Aww...I can do that.
Okay, may job...I LOVE MY JOB! I really enjoy what I do. It is a lot of fun. Less money, sure...less stress, gotta love that. Funny story; I got a call a few weeks ago from the hiring manager of Friendship Village looking for a Business Office Manager for their new building that would be about 20 minutes from where I live now (same distance) earning about what I was making in Michigan. I actually considered it for a minute; I'm fickle when it comes to money and am easily bought. Maybe not easily, but I took quite the pay cut and the thought of more money now was very appealing for a moment. Then I considered what the job entailed (not learning anything new) and how much I enjoy what I'm doing now and realized that the money wasn't worth it right now. Not to mention that I feel what I'm doing right now is really important for the long run of what I want to do overall. I'm doing really well also. Due to some crazy things the wait list they had here pretty much fell apart a few weeks into my starting. Well, it is right back to where it had started and I've brought some really great ideas to the table that not only impressed my bosses but also got results already. So...things are going well. Life is once again feeling sunny side up. Things with Lou are great; we are still learning to read each other and the other person's quirks. I have to also admit that having someone as helpful as he is; loving, patient and good tempered is such a breath of fresh air. I really feel so lucky to have him in my life and as a partner.

New Beginnings

But let me back up a second. The tubing trip was fun. Cristy's visit was a blast and a little nerve wracking. Nerve wracking for two reasons, there was shipping drama when the place she had a quote from fell through and we had to scramble to figure out how to ship her stuff - USPS FTW! Secondly, her BF was being crazy; there is a lot more to that story, but I'll let her tell it on her blog! It was a blast for obvious reasons; it was great to be with my chicken again. We went out to Sushi House per tradition with the group and we also went out to Stiletto's to see Nina Flowers. It was an amazing and beautiful show. It sucks to see her go and I've promised to make a return trip, possibly for pride next year. That would be so much fun!

Okay, onward...I have started my job and lasted 4 whole days until Elba came down with hand, foot and mouth disease so that landed me home with a sick baby. I'm hoping to go to work tomorrow, but he still has some blisters on his feet that I'm hoping go away overnight. Poor little guy, he was in so much pain. I had to take him to the doctor and get Tylenol with codeine for him (and as a good faith effort get paperwork to show my boss that I was for realz!). The tricky part is that my health insurance ended on my last day of employment with HB. I called around and found a clinic that was low cost and would even help me complete the application for a state program for parents with uninsured children. I didn't have to pay out of pocket - score! We had visited friends with a baby the day before symptoms started and we are fearful he passed it along to her toddler, who is started to have some peculiar symptoms herself now.

I drove out here the Tuesday before last and had 3 days to procure daycare. I did so on Thursday after visiting 3 home day care providers. She charges $150/week which is what I was paying in Michigan (the others were $200-250), and is 5 minutes from work. I'm a little disappointed and this might now work out because even though she popped up in my search for providers with extended hours, she says she is done at 6pm and I will have late charges for the occasional after. I get that, but then update your freakin' info! I was hard up though, so I'm going with it for now.

Then I realized that I left my box of very important documents (like Elba's birth certificate, immunization records, etc. in MI). Along with the fact that I only had a few checks left and I also forgot those, I headed back on Friday and left Elba with my mom for the weekend. I'm glad I did, as there was a lot more packing & cleaning that I needed to do and I'd underestimated. I was able to sell my living room furniture for exactly what I still owed on it, so that took a load off. The other benefit was that I was able to see Louis.

Unlike my previous relationship, I'm happy to say that I can fully blog about the bliss that I'm in and gush about my entire life, not just the baby and work parts! So, Lou and I go back about 6 years ago when he was dating my room mate and I was also in a relationship. We had a wonderful friendship, and there was always an attraction there that was sort of ignored because of the situation. But it was there, and it was never forgotten. Well, long story short, it was brought out when we hung out before I left. He is exactly the same in the wonderful ways I loved about him before, is even more attractive, and has improved himself tremendously. If I could make a list of the perfect person for me, he totally fits the bill. Things are moving fast, and he is going to be relocating to Illinois with me when I go to get the rest of my stuff at the end of September. I'm really excited about where this is going and he is the fabulous guy I've ever known...this is serious business!

The housing search took an unexpected turn the other day when I started calling places to set up tours for this weekend when Louis comes to visit. Everywhere I called was reporting to me that they had NO VACANCY until maybe October, but maybe not until even later. I hadn't expected this, although I should have. Not only do most communities try to have their leases expire in the summer (when it is easier to fill), but with the housing market doing so poorly, that means apartments should be doing well. That is an understatement. I was shocked - Nothing?! I called a place that had an ad in the newspaper and she had 3 one bedroom apartments left. I got in my car, toured all 3 and picked one! I really wanted to do this part with Louis, but he said he understood too that it had to be done. Oh and yeah...a one bedroom. This will be a fun year! :) Taking a pay cut, having a huge car payment, hospital bills, and still repaying my student loans blows. I should be able to shovel out some this year though now!

My aunt and uncle are going to be disappointed. I'm staying with them right now (well, my Mom's at the moment so we don't pass along Elba's sickness to his 2 year old cousin) since I'm still paying rent in Michigan for August & September. They said I should stay there as long as I can to save money. I agree, this is a fantastic idea, but after doing the math it isn't that much of a savings in comparison to having my own established home. Okay, so I will be paying $450 for rent and utilities per month. If I stayed with aunt and uncle I need a storage unit for my stuff ($60/month average) and I'm driving 25 miles per day more ($120/month in gas). I'd also need to rent another truck when it was time to move from storage to the apartment. So, really the cost to move out is $270/month and I get back about 20 hours per month (40 minutes per day) of drive time. Elba also gets his own bedroom (yes, he is getting the huge bedroom to himself) and we can both sleep better. He wakes during the night and makes normal cries out, etc. but then I'm laying there listening to him debating if he is just fussing or do I need to do something. Whereas in his own room I think those small wakings I wouldn't even notice. I just feel like this is also a lot of change for him and I want to get him into a stable home that isn't going to change. I've delayed weaning from the bottle for this reason as well. He doesn't have any security objects so I can't take away his one favorite yet.

I've been through 4 days of training and I like it so far. I'm eager to get back to work, get fully trained and start doing my job.

Last but certainly not least - Elba walked today! He and I were sitting outside my Mom's house and he just stood right up and took about ten steps before going back down to crawl to the plant he wanted to inspect. They were wobbly, but he was on grass. He won't do it again for me, so I'm wondering if he has been secretly walking for a while now and forgot I was watching. Well, I'm counting it as first steps today although he has taken 1-3 steps before a few times. This was an official walking sited!

Oh, I haven't updated weight in a while. I think I've gained a little (maybe 5 lbs since being back in Illinois not being able to work out really and eating crappy). Working out at the gym in MI really did a lot for toning and making me feel great. But I think it was going back on Weight Watchers that really started having results (getting my points tracker out again now)! I'm down to 187 - that is 23 lbs less than pre-pregnancy. My clothes fit great and even are getting a little loose on me. Another ten and I think I'll have to start buying some new clothes. People have noticed and comment about how great I'm looking, which is an amazing incentive to keep up the good work. I only notice a little, but I love seeing the numbers keep going down on the scale...what a Choleric I am to love the challenge!

Okay, that is enough...I'm beat and ready for bed. It's been a crazy time lately and I will hopefully update again when I'm settled into the new place.

Fleeing Michigan

I have some pretty exciting news (depending on who you are). I have found and accepted a job in Bolingbrook, IL and will be starting on August 21st. Last year my old boss Shannon reached out to her old boss Colleen who is a regional director of senior living communities in Illinois. She told her my situation and that if anything came up I was wanted to move back home to Illinois. Well, a few weeks before Elba's birthday Colleen called and asked me to send my resume for an open Sales Director position. We had an interview while I was there for the birthday party and I got an offer when I got back home. I accepted and I'm pretty darn excited about it. My next career goal is be an executive director and you need to have direct sales experience generally. I was hoping a transfer might be an option since my current management company is being acquired by another (making it the largest in the country) but they have pushed back the date to Sept. 1 and chances of a transfer happening within the my time frame aren't good, so I'm taking this job. That isn't to say I'm not excited about it. I just would have liked to keep my benefits and seniority if possible. I'm actually quite excited about it. The community is beautiful, almost 100% occupied and has a wait list. Want to hear the best part? Some of things they do for outreach, being a tax credit property are volunteering within the community. Sounds very personally fulfilling as well. I'm a little overwhelmed right now thinking of moving, finding housing and daycare but I'm happy to know that soon things are going to be a bit easier and more calm. The bad news is the job is a significant pay cut for me and the cost of living is a little more expensive out there. I'm looking at at least $950-1,000 for a two bedroom apartment when that is what I'm paying here for a 3 bedroom townhouse. I'm guessing childcare will be more as well. The job is salary plus commission. Estimating my commission humbly, it is $5K less than my current salary. I might not get as much paid off (car, student loans, etc.) that I'd like but I'll still be able to live comfortably. I'm hoping that I can take some growth opportunities with this company if everything works out.

How did Mitch take it? That is what everyone keeps asking me. Well, we had talked during breakfast on fathers day about me still moving to Chicago and that conversation went very well. When I told him I accepted a job that interaction didn't quite go so well. He sort of said, "Hmm...congratulations" and that was it. When I later told him that I would have thought he would be happy and excited for me as my friend he said that no, he wasn't happy or excited for me because I am taking his boy far away from him. Okay...so that is how he is taking it. I'm hoping that when we move and things fall into place he will come around and be less....grumpy.

In 4 days Cristy is flying from CA to MI for our annual tubing trip (and to get her stuff out of my basement). I'm so excited to see her and can't wait! Yeah, so I went ahead and planned the last tubing trip for me likely. We have a smaller turnout than normal, but it should be fun nonetheless. Nate is coming out too...so that should be interesting. I'm very excited to see him as well. We also have Mitch, Justin and Jesse, Anne, Laura, Angie and Andrew.

Both birthday parties went very well. We did one party at Janet's and then one at my Mom's house the weekend after his bday. He held it together while and didn't meltdown so that was great. Both parties started at 2pm and wrapped up by 6ish. During our last pediatrician appointment (12 months) I asked for the next 'magic book' suggestion. I explained that Healthy Sleep Habits Happy Child was the magic book that got me through once I understood sleep, colic and all that. So, I've downloaded Happiest Toddler on the Block to the Kindle and have started that one. I'm only maybe 20 pages in, but so far very good. It talks about how your toddler is more of a 'cave child' and not to think of them as 'little people' because they aren't. I like it...Okay, well the boy is going to wake up soon and we have a day off planned that we will need to get on.

THE BIG ONE

Okay, okay...it was really yesterday.

I'm staying a bit late at work to type a little something because I know I need to update. I haven't had internet at home so blogging, e-mailing, and general interweb surfing and fun having have been very limited the last month or so. I also don't have any TV at home at the moment. This I not only don't mind, I really enjoy it. I watch movies when I want, but otherwise my life isn't getting sucked away. I wouldn't mind a little life sucking internet though. I'm working on it...Comcast and AT&T are on my bad boy list at the moment.

You know who isn't? My birthday boy! It has been a long crazy year but I can honestly say that I'm pretty happy about things right now. Elba has so many new tricks. No, he isn't walking. He is cruising, using the push along walkers and all that, but no interest in even holding onto your hands and walking. He will stand unsupported if he doesn't realize he is doing it. What else? He blows kisses, waves 'bye bye' consistently, says 'ball', 'Elba', 'Mom' and 'Papa'. He loves to read, play in any kind of water, listen and dance to music, swing, and climb the stairs. He isn't so fond of long car rides or having his ears cleaned. He eats everything! We went to the pediatrician today and he is 21 lbs, 9.5 oz, 31.25" and 18" head circumfrence. I need to look at where he is at on the growth chart, but again, my internet time is limited! :)

Things between Mitch and I are amiacable. I think it was a little awkward for a bit, mostly because we weren't really talking about anything. Well, we went to breakfast and spent the day at Kensington park on father's day and had the opportunity to talk about stuff and sort of clear the air. The way I see it is that we have been friends for a long time, and while part of of 'us' were pretty horrible I don't see any reason for the rest of this to be the same way. It isn't just for Elba either; I don't want us to have a bad relationship. He actually really came through for me recently. Our babysitter took a few days off with short notice and I was stuck because I had just come back from vacation and couldn't really take time off. Well, he totally covered the days, figured it out and helped me out big time. We also talked about the inevitable move back home and how that is all going to work. I think we figured out something that will work for both of us.

I know there is more I wanted to write, but I lost it....

10.5 months - A new start

Tack another one on the long list of 'Amy's failed relationships'. I haven't posted much about the tumultuous relationship between Mitch and I mostly out of respect for him. I don't want to upset him in posting this but I feel like I want to be truthful about a big piece of whats going on.

Mitch was staying over at his Mom's house since last Saturday. We hadn't really been talking over the past week about what was going on, and I thought maybe he was just 'needing some time alone' again or something. He told me this Saturday that he is moving his things out this week and that we are done. He went so far as to say that he would rather raise Elba out of two households rather than one in which we are always fighting. So, I think that is officially it.

It has been a rough year and half between Mitch and I. Well, if we want to really tell the truth, it has been a rocky relationship most of the time. We are very different people and I think I thought that maybe we would get on the same page with what we wanted and be able to discuss the issues when our opinions or thoughts didn't match; committing to figure it out. Ultimately we want very different things and are not able to talk it out. Yeah, there is a lot more to it...but that is the long of the short.

On the bright side, things should start feeling better soon. It is hard doing everything for Elba alone and being solely responsible for everything, but at least knowing where the situation stands is better than constantly being pissed, let down and disappointed. I could rant and rave about all the injustices with examples to justify how pissed I am entitled to be; but then what? I'm sitting alone with a bunch of negativity, bitter with the world? Nah, I can't do that. I have an amazing little boy that is waiting for me to finish work to spend a few precious hours together before bedtime. I have to get ready and move on to the rest of my life.

So, what is new in the world of Elba? I don't even remember where we were when we left off with the last update. He has 7 teeth; 4 on top, 3 on the bottom. I bought him a walker that he zooms around the house in. He isn't quite ready for walking; he prefers to crawl. He smells everything! I taught him how to sniff and now that is all he does - crawls around sniffing everything he finds. He 'talks on the phone'. It is cute - he will even pick up things that aren't' remotely phones (a belt) and try to talk on it. He knows 'fan' in sign language and will find the fan when you ask, and sign 'fan' if I ask what it is. He is eating everything I give him mostly put prefers the food on the tray and not in a bowl. He scrounges for scraps on the floor when he is finished and I put him down from the chair. I let him!

About me; I've been consistently going to the gym 3 days a week, trying for 4-5. It is about to get harder; no daycare Friday, Saturday & Sunday. I also started Weight Watchers online. I had great success last time I did WW - lost about 30-40 pounds so I'm back on the wagon. Watching what I'm eating is having the best results. You can work out like crazy but when you eat crap it doesn't matter. I'm down to 193 this morning. I can tell that my clothes are definitely looser and I'm fitting back into my pre-pregnancy clothes. I was right; needed to lose an extra ten before fitting into my suits because of the way my body has changed. I am getting rid of the TV. I did this once before and was amazed at how I found other things to do. TV is such a timesuck. And right now with my computer being broken (yeah, I'm at work blogging...shhh), I can't go online anyway. I need a new mother board and I can't afford it now, so that will have to wait too. Unfortunately this means that no picture updates for a while too! So, I'm turning off internet and cable at home. I'm excited to see how creative I can get at home.

Okay, need to get back to work, and that is enough for now!

First Mothers Day

Happy First Mothers Day! I woke up this morning to hear Elba babbling and playing in his crib. Mitch got Elba and we all hung out in bed for a bit. Elba was making 'monster noises' and 'getting' us. It was so sweet. Mitch made coffee while I played with Elba, breaking out some new toys I'd bought at Once Upon a Child after bringing in two boxes of too small clothes and getting almost $50 in store credit! One of the best finds is this walker/rider that he is cruising around the house in. Mitch made breakfast while I fed Elba. We showered and now Elba is 'napping' before we head over too Mitch's Mom's house for the rest of the day. Elba isn't really napping. He was being super crabby and should be ready for a nap, but he is up there playing and fussing. He is not having as many naps as before, now we are lucky to get two and never three. This morning he slept till 9am (Happy Mother's Day!) so I'm not surprised he isn't sleeping, but I don't want him crabby the rest of the day at Mom's.

Elba is almost 10 months and I'm starting to think about his first birthday. I feel like a lot of the things I say are so cliche - and here I am, I can't believe it has already been a year. Time has flown by. And my word, my boy is amazing! My life is so different, I wouldn't have it any other way. Sometimes I miss the things I used to do, or the way I could do what I want at any time, but for what I have now I would give it all up again.

I applied and had an interview for an Executive Director position with another company. It was a long shot, as it was for a large assisted living community. I didn't get it based on my lack of experience with the health care side and not having Executive management experience. I understand and agree that I don't have that experience. That isn't to say though that I can't do it. In fact, I know that if I could just get the opportunity I would do a great job. Well, I'm always looking and trying to move to the next step.

Okay, time to get off with the rest of the day - Happy Mother's Day to all the first time and many time Moms out there. I wish I had some heartfelt words of wisdom to end with! :)

Body Image

As I said, I've started working out and I feel like I'm taking control of myself again. When I was hiking and I cut all my hair off, didn't wear makeup, and often smelled pretty bad wearing the same clothes for a week, that started to break down my poor body image identity and I came to see myself as something else. I started to see my body for the physical vessel it is and became less and less concerned with my hangups. There was no daily concern for the trivial, and I was also utilizing this vessel in a new way than I ever had.
Okay, then I get pregnant and not only does this thinking continue (the physical vessel) but I get huge and have limited control as I watch myself expand. Over the last two years I have become very in tune to my body, watching myself get fit and then sort of going the opposite direction and negating that hard work. But, I accepted it and even found absolute beauty and love for the process and myself. Those hangups are still gone and I accept the flaws.

I am now seeing a difference in myself as things are getting back to 'normal' and I'm getting fit again. I see my body still as the physical vessel. I like working out and want to go everyday; I'm not joking. I think that this is going to be easy because I'm seeing things clearly. I'm not looking at myself with the guilt and self loathing that came so easily before. I don't feel as glutinous and think about food in a better way, as I did when I was hiking. I consider the nutritional value of what I'm eating (will this help or hurt me) and in the case that it isn't so great (but oh, so tasty) I think about how long I'll have to work it off for and that helps to just have a little instead of going overboard.

I feel like I had to put this down because food and body image has been a big problem for me for such a long time before and I'm very aware that things have changed. I'm not sure I would have come to where I am now if I hadn't come from where I've been.

After two solid weeks of real working out, I'm at 199! We aren't ever going back into the two hundreds again my friends! I love going to the gym. I want to go everyday and stay longer. I know you release endorphins and I'm really starting to understand how it can be an addiction. I feel amazing during and after working out and I love it. I'm so glad I made this commitment. My mental health has definitely improved as well. I just have a better attitude and feel good. Those first two shoddy weeks were like before; I didn't want to go but I forced myself to go and I felt like I was torturing myself. It is neat to just see the difference in my mind since then; and that was only 1 month ago. I should have done this sooner!

9 Months

Oh, I still have a job, which is good! I drove back home Sunday night as I'd planned and still hadn't heard anything so Monday I was off. Then about 7pm Monday I got a call from the HR lady saying everything was fine and I should go to work in the morning. That's it - no details, no 'sorry for scaring the crap out of you and ruining your family weekend because I'm sure that was pretty much all you could think about." Nope. So that is reason 5,097 how a baby changes you. I think in the past after something like this I would just go look for a new job and tell them to go screw. I have insurance to think about though now, and I'm willing to stick it out. My heart just isn't in it which I think it bad for them, not me. Actually it has been a less stressful experience at work the last week...maybe this is good.

I have had Elba outside the world about as long as I had him in my womb now. I much prefer him independant from my body. It's just crazy...I feel like pregnancy took forever, and now it has already been 9 months and soon it will be his first birthday! Aww! He is cruising around more now, getting used to his feet. He makes all kinds of fun noises and really likes mimicking. He is often pointing. Not at anything in particular, but rahter his hands are held at the moment in the 'pointer' position and I think he likes it.
I have been working out. I don't know if I talked about this yet, but I invested in a personal trainer and am working out once a week with him, then twice by myself. I've been doing this for 2 weeks shoddily and then last week for real. Next week we are doing another weigh in. I've been stuck right at 210 since dropping baby weight after the first few months. I would like to try and add another day to do a fun class, like Zumba or something for a fourth day. The other three days I do weight training and then cardio. I actually look forward to going to the gym now. I get to be by myself, de-stress and I feel amazing afterward. I'm also sleeping much better already.

I found this unposted blurb from a few months ago:

"When you are out and about something about being a woman with a baby sometimes brings out the softer gentler side of people. Rather than noticing the jerks in the world I noticed this today. It started while I was at a friend's baby's first birthday. I came into the house baby, diaper bag and gift in tow to have perfect strangers offer to take Elba off my hands to get the three ring circus I now travel with in the door. This was great, since I'd left the two cases of soda in the car for round two. I promised myself to also think of carrying capacity next get together before choosing what to bring. Medusa never had to think things through like this; that's what I need - four more arms. Oh I could be so much more productive! The kindness continued throughout the day; I needed help to get food, go potty and then getting ready to go. Have you tried to tell a 6 1/2 month old to lay still while Mommy puts on her boots and coat?
I thought, well of course, they are my friends (and friend's family)...but then I noticed in running errands that doors were being held open; a lady even offered to help me to my car with the package I had. What a breath of fresh air! Thank God I'm out of Southfield! The rude behavior and selfishness was becoming so the norm that the kind gestures today almost shocked me."

My friend Logan has started his journey accross our great earth visiting so far England, Amsterdam, Germany and on his way to Prague. I'm so happy for him and I wish he had this idea about 2 years ago when I finished my adventure and was still thinking about what else I could do for a while. Damn, next time! And oh yes, there will be a next time!

8.5 months

Elba is a pro at going from sitting to standing now and is cautiously starting to cruise (once standing move from furniture to furniture while holding on). He broke three teeth on top and I think he is working on the the forth (so that will be a total of 6 now when it comes through).
I'm currently in Illinois visiting family and friends. This vacation was planned but happily coincides with my being suspended from work so I'm not sure if I have to use PTO time (or in the case that I end up fired, it won't matter).
Yes, it is April Fools Day, but I'm not joking. I was suspended pending investigation because back in June of 2010 my old boss threw me a baby shower at the property and some residents that came gave me little token gifts. We have a no gift giving policy and afterward I asked her about this. She said it wasn't a big deal since they were of little value (all less than $10) and that was consistent with her interpretation of a gift being something of value more than $10. See we have residents that often give the concierge a morning breakfast muffin, a banana or say a candy bar to employees that they appreciate. Is this a gift they should refuse? No, she decided that something less than $10 is a trivial token gift. So, why then am I suspended? Let me explain...a bit later another employee accepted the gift of a car; yes, an actual vehicle from a resident. He was fired. Not only did he not tell a manager, at first he denied and then lied about the details of this. Well, he made a complaint with EOEC that the company was discriminating because this man happens to be black and I (the white girl) got gifts at a baby shower. More important details to note; this shower was a surprise (I was not trolling for gifts). We have had employees purchase vehicles with management and family approval in the past (he didn't do this). We have had employees accept gifts of over $10 value with management and family approval (resident is giving away her old dishes because she got new ones and offers old set to housekeeper). Other managers have also received small token gifts approved by our boss. All of this I put in a 5 page statement and sent to HR/legal and I'm supposed to hear something back when they have made a decision. I was suspended Tuesday at 3pm. I haven't heard anything back.

You might ask how I feel about this. Well, at first shocked to say the least. I was pretty upset in the moment but since then I've really taken in the whole thing and I'm pretty open to being let go. I can't see how they will not fire me. It would be a lot easier to prepare their response that goes something like, "the executive director who allowed this is no longer with the company and the white girl was also fired for accepting gifts" rather than preparing a defense against racism. And because I almost feel like this was entrapment or something, I'm okay walking away from this and moving on. I also don't think I'm in a good position now to move forward or transfer within the company, since I was choked up and on the verge of tears in front of my boss, our regional and corporate HR (how unprofessional and emotionally unstable that looks). Such is life!

Elba is loving his time out here. We went and visited our friends Dave, Jen and their 10 month old. They were so cute, giving each other hugs and kisses!

He just woke up...gotta go!

8 months

My old hiking buddies have begun hiking again this year. I have mixed emotions about this. I read Bluto's blog and look at his pictures thinking about walking that same area and miss it. I am excited for them and their adventure, but I also remember how walking in the woods in the cold and rain sucked big time and I'm glad I'm not out there, except when I do. I think the trail will always be a little bit of a love/hate relationship with me. I would love to go back and section hike more at some point, but I don't think I'm there yet.

Mom and Damie came last weekend for a short visit. Their friends were driving about 40 minutes short of where I am so they tagged along and I drove out to meet them. They had a ball with Elba. It was a very nice and relaxing weekend.

The weather has been nice in the evening the past two days and I've taken Elba out for a walk after dinner both days. He really enjoys it. He sits in the stroller and goes between laid back chillin' and then he will grip the tray in front and sit forward, kicking his legs out of excitement when he is interested in something special.

I'm becoming more motivated and have more energy with the arrival of spring. I think seasonal feelings are very real and intense...I'm wondering if maybe that is another reason Michigan is sucking the life out of me! :) We get so little sunshine and beautiful days. I notice a real difference when the weather perks up; so do I!

Elba is still just pulling up, but much more steadily and with some grace now. He is getting the hang of things. I can't believe how big he is...the time has really flown. I remember laying on the couch with my little peanut in the nook of my arm.

Okay, time to get out of here to work.

7 months and counting...

It's been a busy month full of fun stuff to update about.

Lets work backwards...

Today I went in to get Elba from his nap because I heard him in there chatting away...he is full of dadada's at the moment. Mitch is sure he knows what he is saying, but I'm not so sure...I haven't seen very good evidence of this. Anyway, so I go in and low and behold he is standing in his crib! He has been trying to pull up on stuff for some time and crawling over low obstacles, the under table of the coffee table and inside the bottom disk of the excersaucer.

He is also officially signing 'milk'. I thought he had done it in the past couple of weeks but it wasn't totally clear. It certainly is now. Even more awesome, is we are getting kisses! Okay, they are open mouth tongue kisses, but it is so cute! He will turn his head to put his open mouth on mine and then stick his tongue out. He will figure out the logistics soon enough, but in the meantime it is the most touching and hilarious kisses I've ever had.

I brought him to the pediatrician last Saturday because his cough got really bad Friday night, so bad that he was sort of choking and I got scared that if it further got worse over time he might stop breathing or something. While very rare, he was diagnosed with a sinus infection and ammoxicillin (sp?) was prescribed. He has been lightly coughing since about 4 months old but the doctor didn't seem worried about it because that is common with the excess saliva of teething and then once they figure out how to cough they do it for fun a lot too. At his 6 month visit he was still doing it but the doc said everything looked fine. Maybe a week later the cough started to change, getting a little deeper and wetter. The changing weather has everyone coughing though. So anyway, there I am dropper of pink nasty crap squeezing it into the side of his cheek. Elba swallowed and immediately gagged. As soon as I was offering his bottle he vomited everywhere. Not spit up; fountain of lunch and everything from his mouth, out his nose...it was disgusting and I'm glad I had him laying on a blanket! For round two I tried to mix it (4ml) into his regular bottle (5-6oz). I did this twice and he immediately threw up the entire bottle within 1-5 minutes of drinking it. With the Internet at my disposal, I got worried he might have an intolerance, slight allergy etc. Another forum of moms had one piece of advice I was going to try the next morning or back to the peds we go! I mixed the 4ml with 1oz of very cold milk. He drank it...and kept it down. After 30 min then I gave him the rest of his bottle and since then we haven't had any problems. Okay, so when you body is fighting an infection off...what happens? Fever. The first fever is scary. Unless you have already committed the magic number of 103 to memory it means ripping through baby books to find it in a bit of a panic when the thermometer reads 101.7! What a bad time to be out of Tylenol. Off to Walgreens we go! There is nothing more pitiful than a sick baby. They can't say what is wrong, what hurts...they just kind of look at you seeming to ask, "Can't you do something here, this sucks!" And there isn't much we can do...I just held him and rocked him as he sort of cried and moaned; feverish, little red rimmed eyes sporting the 'booboo lip'. I think the meds were upsetting his tummy too. Poor little bug. The fever broke, lots of gross is coming out of his face and I think he has gotten used to the medicine. Today is day ten and he is almost back to normal.

Oh, I cant forget to mention the great yogurt experiment. Elba started eating more interesting foods, as he can now use the pincer grip (thumb and pointer) so this has opened the door to Cheerios's, all kinds of baby puff edibles, etc. Well, we also tried avocado (a big hit), cottage cheese (not so much!), cheese (so-so) and yogurt. I bought baby yogurt and he LOVED it; at the whole container! His stomach did not on the other hand. He went to bed a little before 8 and at 9:30 I realized I forgot to turn the humidifier on, so I snuck back up and into his room. As soon as I opened the door I could smell it. The worse part was that he must have puked quickly after being laid down because it was in a pool under his head, about an inch above and down mid belly. I tried to formulate a plan of action. Waking him was unavoidable. I moved him to a not puke pooled area of the mattress which was enough jostling to wake him gradually. He was happy as could be. He and the bed had to be changed. It was in his ear! This happened twice more. I kept giving him more milk each waking (4-5 oz) to keep him hydrated. Suffice to say I didn't make it to work the next day.

Not much interesting is going on with me. I did my taxes and immediately put all the money toward one of several student loans that is almost paid off now. I did feel a little too responsible and deprived about this decision so I went to the mall and spent several hundred dollars on some new shoes, clothes and makeup. I'm packing up the preggo clothes. I just have to...I need pants with a non stretchy waist line now. There is no incentive to drop that extra ten pounds otherwise. I need new bras too, but I'm still pumping so I don't want to get those until I'm done because I have no idea what size I'll be when this is over.

Some of my trail friends are starting to hike the AT again this season. They start within the next two weeks. Bluto is going to keep a blog (or try to I think) and I'm really excited to follow on his journey. I told him if they get to where I stopped I would think about joining for a week. The more and more I think on this...I don't know. I'm super out of shape and I think after they have been hiking for two months I might not do so great out there now. My knee is really bothering me too and I wonder when it will finally die. I'd hate to have it be on the side of a mountain. Lastly, after re-reading my blog and A Walk In The Woods I remember now much backpacking sucks sometimes. I don't know if I'm there. More to think about and maybe start getting back in shape would be a good thing anyways.

Has it been 6 months already?

Elba went for his six month check up this week. I think he actually remembered the doctor from last time getting shots. He started whimpering when he saw him. That is amazing; that was two months ago! Well, he is 17.9 lbs, 27 inches long and 17.33 head circumference. That is 20-50th percentile for weight and 50-75th for the other two. We are starting to even out a bit more. More and more consonants are coming with his babbling. He has said 'dada' but not really on purpose.


I will work on getting pictures and videos up soon; my aunt recently commented that there hasn't been any updates for a while. I'm on it.

6 MONTHS

My mom and sister came for a visit the week before Christmas. I have to say that I really enjoyed them being out and can't wait for their next visit. Of course, seeing them was great but let me also say that the extra help my mom gave was wonderful. Not only did she help with household stuff (laundry, dishes, etc.) but she watched Elba and we didn't have to drop off/pick up and saved that week's daycare money. My mom bought Elba little chair that matches our furniture perfectly and it is so cute!

Our first Christmas was so nice. We woke up and opened present (Elba was most interested in the wrapping paper) then headed over to Mitch's Mom's house. He had to work later that day but I got to come home and play with the Wii Santa brought! The external hard drive Dad sent was also another highlight for me, as my video's and pictures are all backed up now.

New Years was spent over at Mitch's Moms too - very relaxing and safe! I wouldn't have had it any other way.

Our wild and crazy world of pureed food continues to add fun flavors and so far the only thing giving us an issue is the peaches. I think they are too acidic for Elba. I've tried twice now and he seems to puke more than normal on peach days. So, he was at Grandma Janet's house one night and then when we got home he puked up his dinner and kept throwing up. I feared flu setting in, then realized I'm an idiot! Janet has well water and I forgot to tell her not to mix his cereal with it. Lesson learned. Elba is sort of army crawling/scooting around the house. He will be in the living room playing with his toys and then decide he wants to see what is going on in the kitchen and make his way over. It is so cool to see him acting on his intentions. We started the new babysitter after the first and I like her a lot! I think this is going to be great!