10 Weeks - Tears & Fears

I have so much to write about! Okay, so last week was Elba's first in daycare. Mitch drops him off in the afternoon (11:45am) and then I pick him up when I get out of work. The first day I forgot to put the carseat in my vehicle but thankfully remembered before leaving work so Mitch and I switched cars. The third day I did this again but didn't realize it until I was walking out to my car baby in hand. Helene (the baby sitter) had her car packed and was loading her family in to head out; it was obvious they were waiting for me so they could go on with their night. I was scared and embarrassed and didn't know what to do. I did the bad thing. I prayed to the God I don't beleive in the entire way home with him laying on the passenger seat and my hand on his belly. He fell asleep and I think rather enjoyed the unrestricted ride. When I got home I almost cried. If that ever happens again, I will call Mitch and have him meet me. It was a bad call, and I'm sure I'll make more, but not that one again. I prayed and used my phenominal cosmic power to keep other vehicles from smashing into us on the way home, draining me emotionally. Seriously, I was terrified driving home. I thought about how I would go to jail, they would take away my child and I'd probably be the subject of a safety blurb that night on the news if anything happened. NEVER NEVER AGAIN - there is a post it note on the door now.
The good news about daycare is that Elba is exhausted by the end of the day and slept through the night those 3 nights. I guess she also watches a few little girls and they just adore him. They all want to play with him and even got in trouble for not leaving him alone once. I think that interaction is really good for him. Not only for sleeping, but he seems much more aware and interactive. He is content to lay on his back and just watch what is going on around him for long periods of time. This is great since I'm packing, cleaning, making dinner, etc. In one way I am starting to feel more and more like a real person again, but in another way I feel like I'm losing it and my head isn't screwed on right.
I think he made his first attempts at grabbing something. I was at work Saturday for a moment when one of the residents wanted to hold him. I 'sat' him on the counter and let her 'hold' him while I also held him from behind. She was wearing these beaded necklaces (like the ones we throw tubing on the river). He was just staring at them and wouldn't look at anything else. He started to sort of get excited, but kept staring at them...well, his litle arm reached out and kind of hung out in front of him, swatting the necklaces back and forth. Then, he caught his fingers around some and BINGO - his first grab! Now, if this was focused and intentional I'm not sure, but it was close enough to count for me!
Mitch took him to the doctor yesterday for his 2 month checkup and first round of multiple shots. He said he screamed so hard no noises were even coming out, he was just red faced, wide mouthed and looking very upset. Poor baby; we are getting some real tears now so it is even more pitiful when he cries.
Our new furniture is being delivered on Thursday to the townhouse and then we are moving everything Friday after work. I'd like to still get in there and paint before hand, but this is harder than it seems with time running out. So, I bought the brown leather sofa set that includes the chaise lounge, big daddy chair and ottoman. I also picked out a coffee table, end tables and a dresser for Elba. Mitch negotiated with the sales chick to get 5% off the whole order AND 18 months no interest. Since the word is ending in 2012, this is a great deal! :)

Current Weight: 209

9 Weeks

I found a 3 bedroom townhouse in Novi that as soon as it is flipped we can start moving into. They are running a special where you don't pay the September pro-rate so I think I'm going to take advantage of this extra unexpected time and paint before we move in. I'm super excited about this. I rarely paint because it is such a pain in the butt, but Mitch's mom has offered to help and I really want to make this feel like home. Painting really makes a big difference I think. That and I'm really considering buying a new living room set. The couch I have now is almost, gosh...10 years old (time flies when your having fun!) and I'm about done with it. The hideaway bed is now too uncomfortable to really be a choice and even the once very firm cushions are beginning to take on the wear patterns of the many butts they have touched. The last two years have really worn hard on the couch. It's been great, but I think our time has come. On the other hand, I don't really need to spend over a thousand dollars on a new set. Oh see, Mitch and I had some time the other night and dropped by ArtVan...and fell in love with a brown faux leather set. I didn't think I was much of chaise lounge person...but oh man, that is my spot! They waive the interest until 2012 - does that make it better? I think it is a good choice. It all plays into my 'new home' feel too. That is so domesticated of me. Isn't it crazy how you can feel so very different depending on where you are at in your life. A year ago I would have told you that spending money on a new set is completely ridiculous when I have a functioning couch right now. And for some reason I now feel that a new couch set will somehow make my new home feel better. I recognize how stupidly materialistic this is, but I can't help it. I told myself once I went back to work I'd buy the new car after babying my old one around the country. I also said for years that the college dorm looking furniture was good enough while I get out of debt and repay my loans. The loans aren't repaid, and in fact now I've got hospital bills to add to it, but a new living room set will somehow make me feel more complete and in order. I know this thought is completely insane.
So any-who, the housing dilemma is solved and so too is the child care issue. I found a lady who watches children out of her home. I went and visited her house during the day to see her interactions with the children, the condition of her home, etc. and well, it looked like an at home day care provider's house. I don't know...how can you? I wish I had a relative or someone close that I could without a doubt trust. Really though, even then sometimes bad things happen. Positive thoughts...everything is going to be great! He will only be there for three days when Mitch goes into work (11 or 12) and then until I get out (5). I'm trying to get my boss to let me switch my hours to get out at 4 but it doesn't look good. I really thought about working on 3, but the out at 4 idea went over like a ton of bricks so I'll let it go for now. Ey-yi-ay!
Even though things are shaping up logistically I still feel pretty out of control. Things at work are a bit crazy. I can't even get into it all, and I seriously don't want to spend time blogging about the details of that crap! I'm just really stressed out man! I find myself getting angry and frustrated. I wonder if this is some postpartum depression symptoms. Mitch is helpful and does a great job with Elba, but I still feel like I'm doing everything. And I know it is small things, but sometimes I get so stupidly angry about the trash piled at the front door to be taken out or other little things. I also feel like we aren't communicating very well. Like, he will say something that I take the wrong way or visa verse. We fight less now than ever but every fight...and really I should say mis-communication or something because 'fight' doesn't seem to explain the little jumble of words I'm referencing - but it really bothers me. Like I feel really hurt or frustrated or really doubt the longevity of the relationship when something that I know is relatively minor comes up...like I have no tolerance for it. Is this hormones? Is this PPD? Is this just my personality? Is this regular adjustments to the huge changes of life we just experienced? I sometimes feel totally out of whack, like not me! Let me clear though, for anyone reading this and thinking I'm losing it...I do not have any bad thoughts about the baby or anything like that. In fact, when it comes to him I have infinite patience and love. Outside of the realm of Elba and my caring for him, things feel out of control though. I mention this because I know that is a serious symptom of PPD and I want to be very clear that isn't the case at all. It's just everyone else that sometimes I want to reach out and slap! :)
Okay, whats new baby-wise? He has started drooling a lot lately as well as spitting up, which didn't happen much before. I think it's normal. He is permanently with a bib now though. He goes in two days to the pediatrician for his second set of shots, which is supposed to be pretty terrible. Not looking forward to that. He is sleeping much better, although we still have bad nights, like last night when Mitch was up until 3:30pm with him. I was snug in bed with earplugs! Oh that's enough for now...I'm done typing!

8 Weeks - It's all about ME

When things are unorganized, unclean or just not put away I feel stressed out. My house isn't dirty but I feel like my world is chaotic right now. But my world is chaotic right now; looking for a new place, day care, and the stack of dishes in the sink all make me feel that way.
I feel guilty because Mitch took the baby over to his Mom's for labor day. I worked until 4 and then came home to empty house and I loved it! I cleaned the car, had two glasses of wine, took a bath and just did nothing, despite the pile of stuff to be done. I'm getting over my need for everything to be perfect. This is one of those things that I just have gotten used to and realize that my life isn't ever going to be neat and organized for awhile. Not just getting used to it or accepting it, I'm actually not caring as much. Sure, I still have my moments and rush after work to get the dishes done, start laundry and pick up a little before Elba wakes up. But that is just maintenance. I am accepting the projects that are sitting idly by; the memory book that is accumulating a pile to be entered, the bulk of fabric waiting to be sewn into something useful; the yarn unwound together for future Christmas gifts. Because the moments of doing nothing and relaxing are far more fulfilling and enjoyable that checking of my mental boxes of accomplishments.
I still write lists, I just don't finish them always. Getting my son to smile and laugh at the goofy faces I make at him, working to provide for my family and spending some quality time with Mitch are now top priority and I let everything else fall to 'whenever it gets done'. This is a huge accomplishment for me. I think pregnancy started this. I allowed myself to say, "I don't feel like it" and gave myself some slack when it came to plans, obligation and not making commitments I wasn't sure of. Instead of being a 'yes' person and regretting it, I'm becoming a 'maybe' and 'we will see'. This is more logical honestly. I don't know how I'll feel, if the baby is cranky or what will come up. Don't get me wrong; I honor the commitments I make. I'm just more hesitant to say yes. It's funny, because this is something that used to piss me off about other people. I'm still not usually late (although I even allow for it now with the addition of baby to throw a wrench into everything) and get to where I'm supposed to be.
I'm just focusing on what is important. I'm even trying not to get too stressed about the whole moving and finding daycare thing. It will work out, I'm sure of it. It's funny, as I'm chilling out, Mitch is becoming more serious and responsible. I guess we are meeting in the middle. I'm really quite happy, albeit a little stressed; but even that I'm trying to let go. The wine helps. Haha!

Weight: 210 (seriously, time to start working out) The crazy thing is that my old clothes should fit me now...and they don't. Did I mention this already? I think with gravity and permanently wider hips I need to loose extra to fit back into my suits. I'm still wearing my maternity clothes because I don't want to buy new stuff yet. I haven't given up that I will start exercising soon.

7 Weeks - Whoops!

If my son ends up having brain damage - it's my fault! So, he likes laying on the changing table and until today this wasn't a problem because he can't roll over. He still can't roll over, but he scooted himself head first off the end while I was idly sitting at the computer looking for our upcoming housing needs. I've never heard such a heart wrenching scream as that of my infant after being dropped on his head. He calmed down after a minute or so and we checked to make sure nothing was broken, he could focus and move his eyes and seemed relatively okay, minus his scattered cries of pain. Some Tylenol and a bottle later he was almost back to normal. I however was not. OMG, I was so scared, like that time when I stepped on my pet bunny and I wanted to find the rewind button. He had knocked down his little turtle toy, I heard it and replaced it. Five minutes later there was a louder crashing noise. As I was turning around, I was thinking, "What could that be? There isn't anything up there that would be that loud!" I was horrified to see that there was no baby on the table! I was terrified he was dead. I've never moved so fast in my life! I wanted to throw up and the adrenaline was coursing through me. He started screaming before I even picked him up...I knew that was a good sign though, at least he wasn't unconscious or dead. I know it happens, I was dropped on my head twice (explains a lot, right?!) but sweet Jesus I wasn't prepared for how badly I would feel. Well, now that that is done hopefully there will be no dropping the baby incidents, that was enough for me, thanks.
Moving on to the rest of the update and less horrible, this past Saturday felt almost normal. Elba slept for a lot of the morning before Mitch had to go to work. I made coffee in the morning and Mitch made breakfast while I got to play on the computer. We ate, I did dishes and then Mitch played on the computer before taking a shower and heading to work. It is almost the way we used to spend our Saturday mornings pre-baby, aside from me pumping and him feeding, patting and giving a narrative while cooking! Things are starting to get more normal and not so chaotic. Elba is sleeping through the night aside from waking for a bottle or two. I can't even express how wonderful it is...I'm starting to really enjoy him and our life instead of having life be the constant management of functions.
When I was hiking, I would think about how my day was filled with constant adjustments, finding the path of least resistance, and grinding to the next town for a down day of rest and fun. It was work, and not usually fun. These early weeks have been way worse...I'd rather be hiking. Not that I hated hiking...I'm saying that it was a lot of work physically for me with often not much reward. You would think that parenthood should be more of a joy and rewarding. Not these early weeks. Sure there are those moments of love and relaxation, but mostly it is a management of functions, no fun at all, and downright grueling exhausting work. That is what I mean; the feeding, changing, burping, rocking, and bathing must be managed as well as my own feeding, bathing, pumping, and changing. Don't forget then the cleaning, blogging, laundering, shopping, working, emailing, phoning that also contends for the days allotted time. So then falls short my own reading, relaxing, playing and sleeping. You see now, as I've come to realize, it has been the managing of functions that has been my life for the last 7 weeks and why I can't believe my child is almost 2 months old now...where did the time go? Read above, and I digress.
It isn't bound to get much better is what I've come to realize. Mitch picks up extra hours when he can at work, but he will soon start school at night. We really need to get on this whole finding a new place to live thing....I only have another month here. We agreed to start a weekly date night, but that happened once so far. On the bright side Professor Fussinutter Binkerton is much less fussy and easy to manage, so hopefully there will be more days like Saturday around the corner. I really can't wait until he knows he has hands...that will open a whole new world of self exploration and entertainment up for him.