As I said, I've started working out and I feel like I'm taking control of myself again. When I was hiking and I cut all my hair off, didn't wear makeup, and often smelled pretty bad wearing the same clothes for a week, that started to break down my poor body image identity and I came to see myself as something else. I started to see my body for the physical vessel it is and became less and less concerned with my hangups. There was no daily concern for the trivial, and I was also utilizing this vessel in a new way than I ever had.
Okay, then I get pregnant and not only does this thinking continue (the physical vessel) but I get huge and have limited control as I watch myself expand. Over the last two years I have become very in tune to my body, watching myself get fit and then sort of going the opposite direction and negating that hard work. But, I accepted it and even found absolute beauty and love for the process and myself. Those hangups are still gone and I accept the flaws.
I am now seeing a difference in myself as things are getting back to 'normal' and I'm getting fit again. I see my body still as the physical vessel. I like working out and want to go everyday; I'm not joking. I think that this is going to be easy because I'm seeing things clearly. I'm not looking at myself with the guilt and self loathing that came so easily before. I don't feel as glutinous and think about food in a better way, as I did when I was hiking. I consider the nutritional value of what I'm eating (will this help or hurt me) and in the case that it isn't so great (but oh, so tasty) I think about how long I'll have to work it off for and that helps to just have a little instead of going overboard.
I feel like I had to put this down because food and body image has been a big problem for me for such a long time before and I'm very aware that things have changed. I'm not sure I would have come to where I am now if I hadn't come from where I've been.
After two solid weeks of real working out, I'm at 199! We aren't ever going back into the two hundreds again my friends! I love going to the gym. I want to go everyday and stay longer. I know you release endorphins and I'm really starting to understand how it can be an addiction. I feel amazing during and after working out and I love it. I'm so glad I made this commitment. My mental health has definitely improved as well. I just have a better attitude and feel good. Those first two shoddy weeks were like before; I didn't want to go but I forced myself to go and I felt like I was torturing myself. It is neat to just see the difference in my mind since then; and that was only 1 month ago. I should have done this sooner!
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
9 Months
Oh, I still have a job, which is good! I drove back home Sunday night as I'd planned and still hadn't heard anything so Monday I was off. Then about 7pm Monday I got a call from the HR lady saying everything was fine and I should go to work in the morning. That's it - no details, no 'sorry for scaring the crap out of you and ruining your family weekend because I'm sure that was pretty much all you could think about." Nope. So that is reason 5,097 how a baby changes you. I think in the past after something like this I would just go look for a new job and tell them to go screw. I have insurance to think about though now, and I'm willing to stick it out. My heart just isn't in it which I think it bad for them, not me. Actually it has been a less stressful experience at work the last week...maybe this is good.
I have had Elba outside the world about as long as I had him in my womb now. I much prefer him independant from my body. It's just crazy...I feel like pregnancy took forever, and now it has already been 9 months and soon it will be his first birthday! Aww! He is cruising around more now, getting used to his feet. He makes all kinds of fun noises and really likes mimicking. He is often pointing. Not at anything in particular, but rahter his hands are held at the moment in the 'pointer' position and I think he likes it.
I have been working out. I don't know if I talked about this yet, but I invested in a personal trainer and am working out once a week with him, then twice by myself. I've been doing this for 2 weeks shoddily and then last week for real. Next week we are doing another weigh in. I've been stuck right at 210 since dropping baby weight after the first few months. I would like to try and add another day to do a fun class, like Zumba or something for a fourth day. The other three days I do weight training and then cardio. I actually look forward to going to the gym now. I get to be by myself, de-stress and I feel amazing afterward. I'm also sleeping much better already.
I found this unposted blurb from a few months ago:
"When you are out and about something about being a woman with a baby sometimes brings out the softer gentler side of people. Rather than noticing the jerks in the world I noticed this today. It started while I was at a friend's baby's first birthday. I came into the house baby, diaper bag and gift in tow to have perfect strangers offer to take Elba off my hands to get the three ring circus I now travel with in the door. This was great, since I'd left the two cases of soda in the car for round two. I promised myself to also think of carrying capacity next get together before choosing what to bring. Medusa never had to think things through like this; that's what I need - four more arms. Oh I could be so much more productive! The kindness continued throughout the day; I needed help to get food, go potty and then getting ready to go. Have you tried to tell a 6 1/2 month old to lay still while Mommy puts on her boots and coat?
I thought, well of course, they are my friends (and friend's family)...but then I noticed in running errands that doors were being held open; a lady even offered to help me to my car with the package I had. What a breath of fresh air! Thank God I'm out of Southfield! The rude behavior and selfishness was becoming so the norm that the kind gestures today almost shocked me."
My friend Logan has started his journey accross our great earth visiting so far England, Amsterdam, Germany and on his way to Prague. I'm so happy for him and I wish he had this idea about 2 years ago when I finished my adventure and was still thinking about what else I could do for a while. Damn, next time! And oh yes, there will be a next time!
I have had Elba outside the world about as long as I had him in my womb now. I much prefer him independant from my body. It's just crazy...I feel like pregnancy took forever, and now it has already been 9 months and soon it will be his first birthday! Aww! He is cruising around more now, getting used to his feet. He makes all kinds of fun noises and really likes mimicking. He is often pointing. Not at anything in particular, but rahter his hands are held at the moment in the 'pointer' position and I think he likes it.
I have been working out. I don't know if I talked about this yet, but I invested in a personal trainer and am working out once a week with him, then twice by myself. I've been doing this for 2 weeks shoddily and then last week for real. Next week we are doing another weigh in. I've been stuck right at 210 since dropping baby weight after the first few months. I would like to try and add another day to do a fun class, like Zumba or something for a fourth day. The other three days I do weight training and then cardio. I actually look forward to going to the gym now. I get to be by myself, de-stress and I feel amazing afterward. I'm also sleeping much better already.
I found this unposted blurb from a few months ago:
"When you are out and about something about being a woman with a baby sometimes brings out the softer gentler side of people. Rather than noticing the jerks in the world I noticed this today. It started while I was at a friend's baby's first birthday. I came into the house baby, diaper bag and gift in tow to have perfect strangers offer to take Elba off my hands to get the three ring circus I now travel with in the door. This was great, since I'd left the two cases of soda in the car for round two. I promised myself to also think of carrying capacity next get together before choosing what to bring. Medusa never had to think things through like this; that's what I need - four more arms. Oh I could be so much more productive! The kindness continued throughout the day; I needed help to get food, go potty and then getting ready to go. Have you tried to tell a 6 1/2 month old to lay still while Mommy puts on her boots and coat?
I thought, well of course, they are my friends (and friend's family)...but then I noticed in running errands that doors were being held open; a lady even offered to help me to my car with the package I had. What a breath of fresh air! Thank God I'm out of Southfield! The rude behavior and selfishness was becoming so the norm that the kind gestures today almost shocked me."
My friend Logan has started his journey accross our great earth visiting so far England, Amsterdam, Germany and on his way to Prague. I'm so happy for him and I wish he had this idea about 2 years ago when I finished my adventure and was still thinking about what else I could do for a while. Damn, next time! And oh yes, there will be a next time!
Friday, April 1, 2011
8.5 months
Elba is a pro at going from sitting to standing now and is cautiously starting to cruise (once standing move from furniture to furniture while holding on). He broke three teeth on top and I think he is working on the the forth (so that will be a total of 6 now when it comes through).
I'm currently in Illinois visiting family and friends. This vacation was planned but happily coincides with my being suspended from work so I'm not sure if I have to use PTO time (or in the case that I end up fired, it won't matter).
Yes, it is April Fools Day, but I'm not joking. I was suspended pending investigation because back in June of 2010 my old boss threw me a baby shower at the property and some residents that came gave me little token gifts. We have a no gift giving policy and afterward I asked her about this. She said it wasn't a big deal since they were of little value (all less than $10) and that was consistent with her interpretation of a gift being something of value more than $10. See we have residents that often give the concierge a morning breakfast muffin, a banana or say a candy bar to employees that they appreciate. Is this a gift they should refuse? No, she decided that something less than $10 is a trivial token gift. So, why then am I suspended? Let me explain...a bit later another employee accepted the gift of a car; yes, an actual vehicle from a resident. He was fired. Not only did he not tell a manager, at first he denied and then lied about the details of this. Well, he made a complaint with EOEC that the company was discriminating because this man happens to be black and I (the white girl) got gifts at a baby shower. More important details to note; this shower was a surprise (I was not trolling for gifts). We have had employees purchase vehicles with management and family approval in the past (he didn't do this). We have had employees accept gifts of over $10 value with management and family approval (resident is giving away her old dishes because she got new ones and offers old set to housekeeper). Other managers have also received small token gifts approved by our boss. All of this I put in a 5 page statement and sent to HR/legal and I'm supposed to hear something back when they have made a decision. I was suspended Tuesday at 3pm. I haven't heard anything back.
You might ask how I feel about this. Well, at first shocked to say the least. I was pretty upset in the moment but since then I've really taken in the whole thing and I'm pretty open to being let go. I can't see how they will not fire me. It would be a lot easier to prepare their response that goes something like, "the executive director who allowed this is no longer with the company and the white girl was also fired for accepting gifts" rather than preparing a defense against racism. And because I almost feel like this was entrapment or something, I'm okay walking away from this and moving on. I also don't think I'm in a good position now to move forward or transfer within the company, since I was choked up and on the verge of tears in front of my boss, our regional and corporate HR (how unprofessional and emotionally unstable that looks). Such is life!
Elba is loving his time out here. We went and visited our friends Dave, Jen and their 10 month old. They were so cute, giving each other hugs and kisses!
He just woke up...gotta go!
I'm currently in Illinois visiting family and friends. This vacation was planned but happily coincides with my being suspended from work so I'm not sure if I have to use PTO time (or in the case that I end up fired, it won't matter).
Yes, it is April Fools Day, but I'm not joking. I was suspended pending investigation because back in June of 2010 my old boss threw me a baby shower at the property and some residents that came gave me little token gifts. We have a no gift giving policy and afterward I asked her about this. She said it wasn't a big deal since they were of little value (all less than $10) and that was consistent with her interpretation of a gift being something of value more than $10. See we have residents that often give the concierge a morning breakfast muffin, a banana or say a candy bar to employees that they appreciate. Is this a gift they should refuse? No, she decided that something less than $10 is a trivial token gift. So, why then am I suspended? Let me explain...a bit later another employee accepted the gift of a car; yes, an actual vehicle from a resident. He was fired. Not only did he not tell a manager, at first he denied and then lied about the details of this. Well, he made a complaint with EOEC that the company was discriminating because this man happens to be black and I (the white girl) got gifts at a baby shower. More important details to note; this shower was a surprise (I was not trolling for gifts). We have had employees purchase vehicles with management and family approval in the past (he didn't do this). We have had employees accept gifts of over $10 value with management and family approval (resident is giving away her old dishes because she got new ones and offers old set to housekeeper). Other managers have also received small token gifts approved by our boss. All of this I put in a 5 page statement and sent to HR/legal and I'm supposed to hear something back when they have made a decision. I was suspended Tuesday at 3pm. I haven't heard anything back.
You might ask how I feel about this. Well, at first shocked to say the least. I was pretty upset in the moment but since then I've really taken in the whole thing and I'm pretty open to being let go. I can't see how they will not fire me. It would be a lot easier to prepare their response that goes something like, "the executive director who allowed this is no longer with the company and the white girl was also fired for accepting gifts" rather than preparing a defense against racism. And because I almost feel like this was entrapment or something, I'm okay walking away from this and moving on. I also don't think I'm in a good position now to move forward or transfer within the company, since I was choked up and on the verge of tears in front of my boss, our regional and corporate HR (how unprofessional and emotionally unstable that looks). Such is life!
Elba is loving his time out here. We went and visited our friends Dave, Jen and their 10 month old. They were so cute, giving each other hugs and kisses!
He just woke up...gotta go!
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