Day 8 & 9 - I'm Done!

Day 8 - Today was a bit difficult - I was ill prepared. I had an expo event at work and brought breakfast drink with me, the minty fresh berry which I am a big fan of. I thought I'd wake up earlier, since I went to sleep at 8pm last night; I didn't. I woke up with my alarm at 6am, but oh wait, I needed to leave the house an hour earlier to get where I needed to go, so I only had one hour to get ready which meant I didn't have enough time to make 2 more juices. The whole process takes a of time, to wash your produce, juice and clean up. Although you lose some of the health benefits, juicing the night before is better for me. I'm going to look into getting some mason jars that will be smaller and able to keep air out, which then lessens the oxidation process.

So, after 1pm when I was done I stopped at a gas station and got a Naked juice, pineapple, banana, mango I think - ugh it was horrible. It tasted grainy. Fresh is so much better. I went grocery shopping for the next 2 days and got everything I need and I'm ready tonight be back on track tomorrow. Tonight I made a great dinner juice that I foresee making more for sure, Lemon Lime but I left out the ginger. I've been adding the ginger where indicated but I think I'm just not a ginger fan and I'm willing to try out the nasty green juices again with less ginger and maybe some crushed ice. I also bought The Juice Bible today, so I'm eager to get reading on that. I was less hungry today, but I've had a pretty good headache since about 4pm and I don't think I am dehydrated - I've had a good amount of water.

Day 9 - I watched Forks Over Knives last night. I had a late night last night and went to bed at 11:30pm or so. I wasn't tired at all, but I woke this morning tired.

I had minty fresh berry again today because I didn't want my blueberries to go bad that I'd bought. Lunch is Lemon Lime and I brought a new juice from The Juice Bible because I had 2 zucchini that I didn't want to go bad that I needed to use. I forget the name of the recipe, but it is a little bland and tasty. Today is an easy juice day. I'm down 11 lbs as of this morning from I started this wild ride. Very cool! I think I'm entering phase 2 of detox - the best part being that I wasn't very hungry yesterday at all. After watching the documentary last night I'm prepared to go full vegetarian after the juice fast phase is complete. That along with my blood type is sort of a slap in the face that I should be eating a whole foods plant based diet for my best health.

8:30 - I've had another headache since about 5pm again despite drinking a lot of water. I broke and had a salad for dinner - I'm done. I'm glad for the detox that I did and the small weight loss to kick me into the next phase, which will be eating a vegetarian diet. Lets see if my headache comes back tomorrow with my planned salad for lunch.

Day 6 & 7 - HUNGRY!!!!

Day 6 - Juice Only first day

I woke up ready to start my day - morning groggyness is becoming less and less. I drank 4 juices today, the morning fruit one the best tasting of course and gave me enough energy until oh about noon when hunger kicked in - and never really went away. My best tactic has been distraction. Oh man, this is gonna be hard! Just 5 days....just 5 days....

Day 7
I went to sleep last night at 8:30pm just so I could end the misery. This morning I strangely didn't wake up with the hunger rolling in my belly. Again, I was pretty alert and energized - I'm thinking this will stick and is a great quick, easy benefit of the healthier lifestyle. I'm still hungry though - and what makes it worse is then because I'm hungry and I can't eat, rather than just take my mind off it, I'm obsessed with the thought of food. I actually can't concentrate very well on anything else. Arg!

I tried the purple power punch this morning and didn't care for it. Too much ginger and the grapes were a bit much. Lunch is the Mexican Style Jugo again - this one I can put down easily. I'm thinking maybe of mixing morning fruit drink with afternoon to have a less foul tasting drink throughout the day. I'm not sure if that is allowed or okay, but I might try it out tomorrow. The late afternoon is the worst for hunger. I stay busy in the morning but then can't concentrate and start thinking about food until its time to go home from work. When I leave the whirlwind of my evening starts and I'm fine again. I fell asleep at 8pm, exhausted. I thought well maybe I'll just get up earlier and then I'll have the energy to do things I'm neglecting to do - nope, woke up when my alarm went off at 6am.

Day 4 & 5 - Last Solids

I started this morning with my own fruity blend that had strawberries, blueberries, mint, a banana - fabulous. The fruit isn't hard at all. Lunch was a nice big reboot salad with romaine, rainbow chard, red peppers, tomato, avocado and the ginger soy dressing I love. I tried the Mexican-Style Jugo and it isn't bad at all - in fact, I could do that one. Lots of water, and dinner was leftover zucchini from last night and a small handful of cherries for dessert.

If any boys aren't interested in lady issues, skip this paragraph - you have been warned. I started my cycle Friday morning without any cramps. This is unusual for me. I generally have cramps the first day, not terrible but definitely in need of Midol or 2 Tylenol. This time, nothing. This is the first very real effect of a healthful diet I am experiencing 100% without question.

I'm still having occasional headaches, and I'm tired. I was at my moms house today and I broke - a little. I found my nemesis and couldn't resist. Anyone that knows me knows full well my weakness for ice cream. There was mint chocolate chip staring at me and I had 2 spoonfuls. I'm willing to forgive myself this indiscretion as normally I might have finished the container. I still felt guilty though. Its my weaning week though so I'm letting it go. Next week, Monday - no nonsense all juice!

Sunday I had the Sunset Blend and oh my - it was fabulous. I used rhubarb stalks instead of the beets though - red for red, right?! I had a Tastefully Simple event at a farmers market and while I was there in the morning drinking my juice I got very nauseous. I wasn't sure if it was the juice, if I was dehydrated, if it was the sun, everything catching up with me or what. I wasn't sure if drinking anything would make it better or worse - I sipped water for a while until it subsided. My stomach was gurgly all day but no major issues that sent me running to the Starbucks bathroom across the street from the market. Today had potential to be extremely embarrassing and horrible; it was just around the corner and somehow I managed to avoid it. I had some cucumber salad when I got back to my mom's house and a spoonful of egg salad. I couldn't resist - I don't even know why. I think I was really hungry, weak and not thinking clearly. For dinner I had another reboot salad with chard, red pepper, tomato, avocado and soy dressing and I made the roasted sweet potato and carrots again.

Note to anyone thinking of doing the Classic Reboot - check the recipe servings and if you only want one serving with no leftovers you might reduce the ingredients.

Two observations about today; I had to wake up at 5:20AM to get to Mt. Prospect and normally after some coffee I'd be good to go within half an hour to hour. This week has been a struggle to 'wake up' without coffee, as I've mentioned before. Today after stretching and getting up from bed I was less groggy and after washing my face I was actually pretty energized. Now, I was dead tired by 1PM, but that is another story. Also, my back has started hurting pretty bad. Either I strained it lifting boxes, etc. or the body rebuilding thing might be happening, although it seems to early in the detox process for that. I'm honestly guessing that I strained my back because of my generalized weakness. So, at the moment...it is really hurting and I'm hoping a hot shower and a good nights sleep does me some good.

Okay folks, tomorrow is the day...all juice...I'm pretty darn excited! By the way, as of this morning, I am down 7 lbs - nice!

Day 3 - Temptations Aplenty!

I forgot to take a picture of my morning juice, which was Minty-Fresh Berry. It was tasty and redish. My juicer puts a lot of air in the juice, it makes it a bit too frothy. I think the juices would be better if it was actually all just juice. - or I'd be able to suck it up in the case of a not so great juice. I wonder if all juicers work that way.

Mid morning juice is Refreshing Fennel-Pear which I added 2 limes to and try to cut down the fennel taste. It looks nasty, but the lime did it's job and it isn't bad. It is actually even a bit refreshing!

Drinking out of the tumblers with straws is easier than without a straw - I notice this today and I don't have a straw. Also, adding ice seems to help as well. I think flavors aren't as potent when they are colder. Watering down is helping too.

Lunch is Arugula and Spinach Salad with Honey Mustard Vinaigrette. I like the other dressing way better and I wouldn't make this one again. Arugula is a little bit of a spicy lettuce and takes some getting used to, especially paired with the red onion, jicama and dressing. I wouldn't make this one again, but folks at work enjoyed it. So, just not my slice of pie.

While I'm reporting on what I am eating/drinking I am forgetting a very important part of my day; reporting on what I'm NOT eating. The following has been available for free at work just in the past 3 days: Panera bagels with cream cheese on Monday (my favorite, the apple crisp was sitting on top, just calling and begging me, complete with it's partner in crime, hazelnut cream cheese), freshly baked chocolate chip cookies, carrot cake and red velvet cake. It was almost too much for me - I licked the frosting so as not to offend the gracious employee who baked my birthday cake. This morning someone brought Dunkin Donuts; I have been avoiding the box. I fear that if there is a chocolate iced chocolate cake I may throw the towel in. My stomach is growling and I really want one of those stupid donuts. Oh wait, I have my refreshing fennel-pear juice - I'm sure that will be just as good! Ugh.

Tonight is a feast! Baked Zucchini with Tomatoes and Herbs and Sweet Potato and Carrot "Fries". I forgot to take my camera home from work, or it is missing - so no pictures, but this was delicious.

I'm anticipating a busy weekend and fresh eating will even more so make it a busy weekend. I'm eager and excited about my upcoming week of just juice. I am still getting hiccups throughout the day - and trying to figure out why, although it looks like it might common. I feel tired today.

I had forgotten all about Eating for your Blood Type, which was just pointed out as a solution to some of the irritable bowel issues many of us juicers face. I re-read my blood type workup and I'm eager to to get started juicing in a healthful way particular to my chemistry - what a find! And for any other Type A bloods out there, here is some interesting info about you and me:

"Type As flourish on a vegetarian diet - if you are accustomed to eating meat, you will lose weight and have more energy once you eliminate the toxic foods from your diet. Many people find it difficult to move away from the typical meat and potato fare to soy proteins, grains and vegetables. But it is particularly important for sensitive Type As to eat their foods in as natural a state as possible: pure, fresh and organic. "I can't emphasize enough how this critical dietary adjustment can be to the sensitive immune system of Type A. With this diet you can supercharge your immune system and potentially short circuit the development of life threatening diseases."

My blood type is perfect for what I'm doing! I read through all of the other parts and it all fits in nicely too. Last time I'd read this book, I thought I was AB and now that I'm an 'A' it all fits more into the way I feel. Anywho, if you don't know your blood type so sorry for you - call your doctor and see if they know and check this out - you will be surprised how accurate it is.

Day 2

I know you aren't supposed to weigh yourself every day - I've never been able to stop myself when I'm trying to pay attention to my weight though. 2 lbs down from yesterday morning weigh in. I'll only report this once a week, but just know...I'm a daily checker - I can't help it.

I solved my coconut conundrum last night. My soup tasted like it had small hairs in it; because it did - I had a small thai young coconut on my hands and one youtube video later and I'm back on track.

I started my day off with Mandarin Orange Spice tea. All the teas that I have/bought are all herbal caffeine free. I'm a big fan of Celestial Seasons due to cost. I use a Stevia packet for now because I'm not used to non-sweetened tea. Stevia (I had never used it before now) is a mild natural sweetener that has no after taste - I will switch to this permanently also. I am normally an Equal girl, but now I'll have the added bonus of no cancer causing chemicals - Weee!

Breakfast was the very awesome Blackberry Kiwi Blend. I forgot to put the Flax seed oil in and then before leaving for work, I went to grab my tumbler cup, which I hadn't screwed the lid on completely...oh yeah, I was ten minutes late to work due to cleaning up the counter, cabinets and floor! The worst part to me though was this was so tasty I really wanted to have the whole thing - what a tragedy!



Good news to report - I only have a very slight headache today. I'm going to go have a 1/2 of a small cup of coffee and I think we will shoot for none tomorrow. It's my birthday, damnit - I'm having my last coffee. I could push through it, I'm sure...but isn't that point of the 5 day weaning? Okay okay, I'm making excuses just a little - last one, I swear!

Mid-day juice was V28 - it wasn't as bad as the nasty green juice yesterday, but it isn't great. Raw beets taste like dirt as Bluto pointed out and although I do like beets, generally cooked and cut up on a salad; he is right - raw beets taste like dirt.

I had my 6 dried apple rings today around noon - I couldn't grab lunch yet but I was getting hungry and needed something to chew very desperately. Between the apple rings and guzzling juice, I was satisfied although that was truly the first solid I had today.

Lunch was my leftover acorn squash from dinner last night - so yummy! :)

Dinner was crap - Green Vegtable Soup that was for sure watered down veggies that were tasteless, filling but not at all exciting. I pushed through. I have had hiccups throughout the day and my last poop had red from the beet juice. I was warned about this so I didn't freak out.

I actually can't wait for the 100% juicing to start - less prep, cooking and cleanup. All I'm doing when I get home is wash dishes, make dinner and prep next days food. I think the 15 day plan was for someone who likes to cook - it is too much for me...counting down the next 3 days until I can stick it all in the juicer and be done.

DAY 1

Overall, this is how I feel about Day 1:

So, since the next 5 days is about weaning onto the juice train, I am going to also let the next 5 days be a weaning off of the coffee train because I still need to function at work. When I was hiking I also experienced this and I forgot to really write about it. I am a big grump in the morning without my morning coffee. I never thought caffeine was really such a potent drug - but here I am - pouring a very small cup at 9AM because I might get fired if I don't. I have 5 days to have very small cups and hopefully pull it together. When hiking, this never got better really, but I wasn't eating fruits and vegtables so I'm hoping that things will improve as my body adjusts. I don't know, I could drawing my pain and misery out over a longer period of time maybe doing this, but at the moment my headache is subsiding and I think I can face my daily managers meeting without being too much of a B!

This is what I had:

Amy's Blend (Starbucks) herbal tea (Thanks Dad!) with 1 Stevia packet -
Cherry Cinnamon Apple Bake

**My first thought was that it is missing the good stuff, you know - the butter, sugar and rolled oats that make these bake things good. I could get used to it though - it makes its own natural sweet syrup for a nice tart treat!




Green Juice mid morning

I didn't like this one at all, although I'm sure others would. I am feeling a little weird today - I'm more tired than usual and feel 'off balance'; I've sort of stumbled (like I'm drunk) and nudged the walls taking a corner too quickly. I am maintaining a dull headache today even after drinking my one small coffee this morning. The green juice is gross; I had to push to get through it but hunger won out. I find that the longer I push off eating in the morning I don't get hungry. I run on coffee normally until about 10:30-11 when I'll have a granola bar. Yes, I know this is unhealthy. Then lunch normally at about 12-1pm and maybe a snack....mmm...I want a snack! Okay, anyway - having breakfast this morning got me hungry earlier and so I'm choking down this horrible juice out of hunger. It's the kale I think - ugh!

Reboot Green Salad - Lunch - 278 cal
Any greens you like (I did Romaine & Spinach to start) and add any veggies; I added tomato, red pepper and avocado. Dressed with 2 Tbsp of the Ginger Honey Soy Dressing. Have I mentioned how FANTASTIC this dressing is - I LOVE IT! I forgot to take a picture, but I'm sure you can imagine 'salad'.

Raw Carrot Ginger Soup

**This had an excellent creamy flavor, fun and filling! Unfortunately I did something wrong with the coconut and it tasted like there were small thick hairs in my soup - like small dog hair or something. Needless to say, it made eating the soup difficult at best to enjoy and I ended up throwing most of it away - and have another bowl in my fridge to do the same with since it made 2 servings.

By the way, here is the coconut I bought - and I need to research what the hell to do with it so I don't ruin anything else. Anyone else have any experience with this product? I simply chopped of a chunk and threw it in the blender - guess that was wrong!

And here was dinner, Roasted Acorn Squash Stuffed with Mushroom and Sage not the cute boy holding the plate! He helped cook today so he was very into seeing the work of art.

This was Ah-May-Zing! I will absolutely be making this in the future. Yum Yum!

I feel like today was a cold start between my ruined carrot soup and my juice was nasty. Well, tomorrow looks more promising, so I'm looking forward to it.

Its 9 and I'm tired - hitting it early. Nighty night!

3-2-1...We have lift off!

My friend Jason who is also doing this found a calorie counter that tells you how many calories to take in to maintain your current weight. Wow - it is no surprise I'm a chubster. I plug in my current weight, age and height; it tells me that to maintain my weight, I need to take in 2,229 calories. That is not hard to do. In fact, to loose weight the idea is to take in 500 less calories per day. I have no intention of counting calories at this time though. If I'm not seeing or feeling results, we can revisit the idea.

I spent $97.47 on this:

And that isn't even all the lettuces!

Today I tried no caffiene and I felt like I was in a fog - I had a small cup at 9am and immediatly felt better! Oh shit - this is going to be bad!

Preston has joined the juice wagon - I wonder if he will also continue his blog? I'll link to his if he does too - for anyone that is interested.

Here we go!

PSYCHE - Gotcha!

I got to work today and confirmed a lunch meeting at Portillo's tomorrow. So, it looks like I'll be starting on Wednesday instead. I've looked at my calendar and that works out pretty well actually because then I am still 'eating' through the weekend and then I start juicing on Monday next week. That also means I can easily go grocery shopping Friday eve for the weekend as well as Monday for the weeks juice supplies. I don't have any other lunch or dinner appointments coming up, so I will start this on Wednesday, July 25th now.

My friend Jason is going on this wacky adventure as well - and on my suggestion is blogging too. You can read about his adventure here.

With my day delay, I was still eager to make something tonight, so I made:
Ginger Honey Soy Dressing
2 Tbsp fresh minced ginger
2 Tbsp fresh minced garlic
2 Tbsp Raw Honey
4 Tbsp Nama Shoyu or Tamari soy sauce
4 Tbsp Olive Oil

Puree the first four ingredients in a blender. With the blender running, slowly ad the oil until the dressing is emulsified - keeps for up to 1 week (makes 4-5 servings; 133 calories). Very tasty!

And then I made a juice because I so very much wanted to try out the juicer. I had about half a bag of small carrots and I threw 2 granny smith apples in for 16 ounces of juice. It was kind of fun watching the little carrots dance in the chute, a few even bounced out. I need to figure out something to do with the pulp; I foresee guilt kicking in here soon for being so wasteful. There is a small notch that some particles were shooting out of, but maybe I didn't quite have it put together right - I will research this problem. The juice itself is decent; unexpectedly frothy, although I'm saving it for tomorrow morning. That was a lot of carrots for a small amount of juice. Hmmm.

My friend and old hiking buddy, Preston (AKA Bluto) started juicing last September and gave me call with some pointers, including buying a more expensive blender at the first sign that my blender isn't going to be everything I want. He also suggested another documentary, Forks Over Knives which I plan to watch tomorrow night. He also passed along the idea of checking in with YouTube for helpful videos! Thank you my friend, and it was really nice to hear from you. Be sure to catch back up with Windmill!

2 days till lift off

I have a plan and I've told people about it...now I'm committed to something bigger than myself. It should be enough to do things like this for myself by myself; but for some reason that I'm sure has an interesting psychological story, I'm just not wired that way. So yes, I've shared with quite a few people now what I'm doing. What am I doing? Simply, I'm doing a juice cleanse. I am starting Tuesday (I need to go grocery shopping tomorrow to finish getting supplies) on what will be a 5 day juice/eating solely fruits and vegetables to wean into the next 5 days of just drinking on average 80% vegetable and 20% fruit juice. This is supposed to help make the detox process easier - and I'm keeping my goals small and easy for now. Again, for some reason this works better for me. I need to have my big overall goal in mind, but I also need to break down into something...palatable - no pun intended. Then if I feel like stretching that 5 days out to 10, 15 or 30 days I can. That big goal - absolutely, I would love to do a 30 or even a 60 day cleanse.

There are several different plans to pick from, which you can take a look at here. I'm doing the Classic Reboot.

I'm not going to go into all the details about the movie that inspired me, and the specifics of general info that if you are interested you can take a look at yourself, although I'll post as many links as I can that I come across that I find helpful for anyone following and interested, but also for myself for future reference. I'm going shopping tomorrow for the rest of the items needed for the first 3 days, which turns out to be quite a bit. Here is what I got today:

This is $87.57 worth of perishable food items, juicer not included, and I still have a lot to get. Some of it (the more expensive stuff, like raw honey) will last much more than 3 days. There is a learning curve like anything new; I had to look up how to store some things, like fresh ginger. I'm not a ginger fan and I've only ever bought it minced in a jar. There are lettuces and leafy products I didn't know by sight either, and because grocery store produce signs are sooo helpful, it was a real joy trying to figure it out. I'll be the first to say I couldn't have picked out swiss chard, kale, arugula or jicama without first searching for the image online so I would have a clue of what to look for. Here is how to store different produce.

Okay, I had my last cigarette at about 5pm today and my mind is more so reeling at the thought that tomorrow's cup of coffee will be the last one for quite some time, I'll be honest. Tomorrow is my last day of regular food and then onward we go...into my newest adventure; to better health and higher energy!

I'm a JUICER!

Wow - that was quite the rant in my previous post...well, lets just say that the stress of that situation will be soon better. More on that later, but for now... DUH-DUH-DUH I had nothing to write about a few days ago despite it being Elba's 2nd birthday. That isn't true - I have tons of Elba stuff to report on; he can swim by himself in the pool with arm floaties on (jumping in, going under and sort of upright 'walking' through the pool), he is showing such personality and talking very well now. We have 3 words consistently, including "Captain Jack Sparrow" - oh yes, my boy will be a pirate! I could go on and on, and perhaps I will on another post. But tonight I can't sleep and I need to get to bed because I have to work tomorrow and it's 11PM; but I am so excited. I just bought a juicer and I'm getting ready to reboot! What am I talking about? I watched this movie and have joined this juicing community. I have my juicer en route via Amazon (5-8 days) so I am ready to start getting ready for my next adventure. I took before pictures, which is back to my pre-preggo weight of 210 pounds and it is like I never even had that personal trainer and gym routine - damn. I have a friend who is going to do it too and I'm totally psyched! Weee! I'll check in with more details on my plan, etc. when I have one!

1 < 2

Yup, we are one month shy of 2 years now since that boy was cut out of me. I wonder if the memory will ever fade because I can still recall the entire thing, from those first morning contractions to coming home with Elba and gathering him up because I just wanted to hold him while he slept. It is refreshing to think of the beginning and reflect on all the love and joy he brings because it isn't always roses. If nothing else, I'm honest for better or worse, right? Elba has been coming into the terrible twos now for a few months and he is just hell on wheels sometimes. When he doesn't need help or wants to do something by himself, he will yell 'self', or 'my turn'. He is a little fiery ball of independence - I don't know where he gets it from. I'm learning that patience and allowing extra time is generally a good way to avoid meltdowns, but sometimes it just can't be avoided, like when he wants to drive the car home or doesn't want to get in his car seat, or have it buckled, or wants a fifth popsicle after not eating any diner. You have to put your foot down somewhere, right? But he is a good boy and listens so well most of the time. He keeps his full cup of juice where you tell him to keep it and happily climbs into his big boy bed when it is time to go to sleep, but he currently hates taking a bath and that is a constant struggle despite fun toys, bath crayons, roller paints and stack-able cups. Its like a circus in the tub and he still wants nothing to do with it. He knows at some point I will wash his hair. We are falling to our routine, he and I - we get up in the morning and struggle to get out the door on time. I really should wake earlier and get myself ready before he wakes and things could be easier. I'm really just not a morning person. I struggle and always have to get up out of bed any earlier than I have to. Okay, I'm going to work on this. I go to work (and I've officially started looking for a new job), come home and am now so tired that I'm counting down until his bedtime. How horrible is that? What is worse is that I miss him after he is asleep. I do wish I had more time with Elba - but in the morning when he is still his normal self. I get the leftover fragmented bits of my child that are left loose, whipping around and taking out bits of flesh along the way. Okay, I exaggerate yes, but how much I'm not sure. I love him and wish I had more fun easy time with him. In the evening though I just want him to tucker out and go to bed. I think is a part of that terrible two thing that I hope will pass into something less tiring. I'm exhausted at the end of the day, but who am I kidding...it's been that way here in Chicago since I moved back. Is it the job, Elba's age, my stress - I don't know. I feel like I'm burning the candle from both ends sometimes. And it isn't that I have anything to really do or get stressed out about really. Maybe with him acting crazy for most of the time that I'm with him and my lack of energy to do much with the free time I have I am missing those lazy weekends where I would feel guilty having done nothing but sit inside and play computer games over the weekend. Or camping - I want to go camping and just read alone, or go on a day hike and have some peaceful quiet alone time. I know how terrible it all sounds and I feel bad for saying it, but I miss parts of my life that are gone or hiding, tucked away for reference later. I feel like my life is a mission right now. I'm doing this thing - this Mom thing, to the best of my ability - and there are fabulous parts and some really fun and joyous moments....but it is a lot of crap too that really is challenging at best. I have a lot of resentment toward Mitchel right now too, I admit. I shouldn't be doing this alone. He gets to do whatever he wants, holding tight to making no significant changes in his life (that was in fact the problem, right?) or the ones he does for the wrong reason. Forget the lack of financial support promised, I'm mad for so many reasons at him that I can't stay at his house right now any longer than the time it takes to drop off and pickup Elba at the moment. Otherwise he just grates on me; and it doesn't end there. See, I obsess about things inside and having a 5 hour silent drive after faced with Mitchel's lies, or his flagrant misuse of money, bad judgment and worst of all disregard of his son; it is no time for hours upon hours alone in my head. I'm learning - on past trips I've worked a good emotional storm up in my head so much that after stopping for gas I got on the expressway heading in the wrong direction and didn't realize it for a good 30 miles. I don't know how to turn it off...I would if I could and I've always been this way. I'd be a happier saner person if I could stop obsessing picking it all over in my mind like that sore in your mouth you just can't stop tonguing and let heal. And on some melancholy nights it will sneak up on me and I'll cry for Elba - that things couldn't have been different for him or better for me. I know that I'd enjoy this more if it weren't such hard work by myself. On a brighter note, I've started to do things for myself; I just finished reading the last book in the second trilogy since April. I haven't read this much since high school. I went and played NERO recently and had a great time, feeling like my old self for less than 48 hours. That is all I can think of to say right now.

April Fool

April 1st already; I've been back for 6 months now. Elba will be 2 years old in four months now. He is talking a lot now; he is a sponge and repeats everything he hears. He understands everything too; the TV got turned on and the volumne was very high. I commented that it was too loud and then later when we were in the car, he tells me that the radio is loud. Amazing.

So, this is a tough job...and I feel like it is hard for me to know what the right thing to do is; with everything. I'm wondering if now that I'm here I should start looking for a higher paying job. Should I purchase a townhouse instead of throwing my money away in rent now. This will all mean yet more change for Elba; how much can he handle without having a bad adjustment? Oh, things with Louis and I aren't quit working out so he is heading back to Michigan. Yet another change. I'm done dating and trying to work out a relationship; quite possibly the one area in my life that maybe I'm just downright bad at. I don't want to get into all the nitty gritty, but in a nutshell I think he isn't ready for all this and we aren't very complimentary of eachother. Maybe that is something that could have been seen if we had actually dated for longer, but such is life. I don't do anything half assed. It's always been all or nothing for me. Okay, so that is that. I should have stayed living at my aunt's...I can hear all of the 'I told you so's.