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Yup, we are one month shy of 2 years now since that boy was cut out of me. I wonder if the memory will ever fade because I can still recall the entire thing, from those first morning contractions to coming home with Elba and gathering him up because I just wanted to hold him while he slept. It is refreshing to think of the beginning and reflect on all the love and joy he brings because it isn't always roses. If nothing else, I'm honest for better or worse, right? Elba has been coming into the terrible twos now for a few months and he is just hell on wheels sometimes. When he doesn't need help or wants to do something by himself, he will yell 'self', or 'my turn'. He is a little fiery ball of independence - I don't know where he gets it from. I'm learning that patience and allowing extra time is generally a good way to avoid meltdowns, but sometimes it just can't be avoided, like when he wants to drive the car home or doesn't want to get in his car seat, or have it buckled, or wants a fifth popsicle after not eating any diner. You have to put your foot down somewhere, right? But he is a good boy and listens so well most of the time. He keeps his full cup of juice where you tell him to keep it and happily climbs into his big boy bed when it is time to go to sleep, but he currently hates taking a bath and that is a constant struggle despite fun toys, bath crayons, roller paints and stack-able cups. Its like a circus in the tub and he still wants nothing to do with it. He knows at some point I will wash his hair. We are falling to our routine, he and I - we get up in the morning and struggle to get out the door on time. I really should wake earlier and get myself ready before he wakes and things could be easier. I'm really just not a morning person. I struggle and always have to get up out of bed any earlier than I have to. Okay, I'm going to work on this. I go to work (and I've officially started looking for a new job), come home and am now so tired that I'm counting down until his bedtime. How horrible is that? What is worse is that I miss him after he is asleep. I do wish I had more time with Elba - but in the morning when he is still his normal self. I get the leftover fragmented bits of my child that are left loose, whipping around and taking out bits of flesh along the way. Okay, I exaggerate yes, but how much I'm not sure. I love him and wish I had more fun easy time with him. In the evening though I just want him to tucker out and go to bed. I think is a part of that terrible two thing that I hope will pass into something less tiring. I'm exhausted at the end of the day, but who am I kidding...it's been that way here in Chicago since I moved back. Is it the job, Elba's age, my stress - I don't know. I feel like I'm burning the candle from both ends sometimes. And it isn't that I have anything to really do or get stressed out about really. Maybe with him acting crazy for most of the time that I'm with him and my lack of energy to do much with the free time I have I am missing those lazy weekends where I would feel guilty having done nothing but sit inside and play computer games over the weekend. Or camping - I want to go camping and just read alone, or go on a day hike and have some peaceful quiet alone time. I know how terrible it all sounds and I feel bad for saying it, but I miss parts of my life that are gone or hiding, tucked away for reference later. I feel like my life is a mission right now. I'm doing this thing - this Mom thing, to the best of my ability - and there are fabulous parts and some really fun and joyous moments....but it is a lot of crap too that really is challenging at best. I have a lot of resentment toward Mitchel right now too, I admit. I shouldn't be doing this alone. He gets to do whatever he wants, holding tight to making no significant changes in his life (that was in fact the problem, right?) or the ones he does for the wrong reason. Forget the lack of financial support promised, I'm mad for so many reasons at him that I can't stay at his house right now any longer than the time it takes to drop off and pickup Elba at the moment. Otherwise he just grates on me; and it doesn't end there. See, I obsess about things inside and having a 5 hour silent drive after faced with Mitchel's lies, or his flagrant misuse of money, bad judgment and worst of all disregard of his son; it is no time for hours upon hours alone in my head. I'm learning - on past trips I've worked a good emotional storm up in my head so much that after stopping for gas I got on the expressway heading in the wrong direction and didn't realize it for a good 30 miles. I don't know how to turn it off...I would if I could and I've always been this way. I'd be a happier saner person if I could stop obsessing picking it all over in my mind like that sore in your mouth you just can't stop tonguing and let heal. And on some melancholy nights it will sneak up on me and I'll cry for Elba - that things couldn't have been different for him or better for me. I know that I'd enjoy this more if it weren't such hard work by myself. On a brighter note, I've started to do things for myself; I just finished reading the last book in the second trilogy since April. I haven't read this much since high school. I went and played NERO recently and had a great time, feeling like my old self for less than 48 hours. That is all I can think of to say right now.