PSYCHE - Gotcha!

I got to work today and confirmed a lunch meeting at Portillo's tomorrow. So, it looks like I'll be starting on Wednesday instead. I've looked at my calendar and that works out pretty well actually because then I am still 'eating' through the weekend and then I start juicing on Monday next week. That also means I can easily go grocery shopping Friday eve for the weekend as well as Monday for the weeks juice supplies. I don't have any other lunch or dinner appointments coming up, so I will start this on Wednesday, July 25th now.

My friend Jason is going on this wacky adventure as well - and on my suggestion is blogging too. You can read about his adventure here.

With my day delay, I was still eager to make something tonight, so I made:
Ginger Honey Soy Dressing
2 Tbsp fresh minced ginger
2 Tbsp fresh minced garlic
2 Tbsp Raw Honey
4 Tbsp Nama Shoyu or Tamari soy sauce
4 Tbsp Olive Oil

Puree the first four ingredients in a blender. With the blender running, slowly ad the oil until the dressing is emulsified - keeps for up to 1 week (makes 4-5 servings; 133 calories). Very tasty!

And then I made a juice because I so very much wanted to try out the juicer. I had about half a bag of small carrots and I threw 2 granny smith apples in for 16 ounces of juice. It was kind of fun watching the little carrots dance in the chute, a few even bounced out. I need to figure out something to do with the pulp; I foresee guilt kicking in here soon for being so wasteful. There is a small notch that some particles were shooting out of, but maybe I didn't quite have it put together right - I will research this problem. The juice itself is decent; unexpectedly frothy, although I'm saving it for tomorrow morning. That was a lot of carrots for a small amount of juice. Hmmm.

My friend and old hiking buddy, Preston (AKA Bluto) started juicing last September and gave me call with some pointers, including buying a more expensive blender at the first sign that my blender isn't going to be everything I want. He also suggested another documentary, Forks Over Knives which I plan to watch tomorrow night. He also passed along the idea of checking in with YouTube for helpful videos! Thank you my friend, and it was really nice to hear from you. Be sure to catch back up with Windmill!

2 days till lift off

I have a plan and I've told people about it...now I'm committed to something bigger than myself. It should be enough to do things like this for myself by myself; but for some reason that I'm sure has an interesting psychological story, I'm just not wired that way. So yes, I've shared with quite a few people now what I'm doing. What am I doing? Simply, I'm doing a juice cleanse. I am starting Tuesday (I need to go grocery shopping tomorrow to finish getting supplies) on what will be a 5 day juice/eating solely fruits and vegetables to wean into the next 5 days of just drinking on average 80% vegetable and 20% fruit juice. This is supposed to help make the detox process easier - and I'm keeping my goals small and easy for now. Again, for some reason this works better for me. I need to have my big overall goal in mind, but I also need to break down into something...palatable - no pun intended. Then if I feel like stretching that 5 days out to 10, 15 or 30 days I can. That big goal - absolutely, I would love to do a 30 or even a 60 day cleanse.

There are several different plans to pick from, which you can take a look at here. I'm doing the Classic Reboot.

I'm not going to go into all the details about the movie that inspired me, and the specifics of general info that if you are interested you can take a look at yourself, although I'll post as many links as I can that I come across that I find helpful for anyone following and interested, but also for myself for future reference. I'm going shopping tomorrow for the rest of the items needed for the first 3 days, which turns out to be quite a bit. Here is what I got today:

This is $87.57 worth of perishable food items, juicer not included, and I still have a lot to get. Some of it (the more expensive stuff, like raw honey) will last much more than 3 days. There is a learning curve like anything new; I had to look up how to store some things, like fresh ginger. I'm not a ginger fan and I've only ever bought it minced in a jar. There are lettuces and leafy products I didn't know by sight either, and because grocery store produce signs are sooo helpful, it was a real joy trying to figure it out. I'll be the first to say I couldn't have picked out swiss chard, kale, arugula or jicama without first searching for the image online so I would have a clue of what to look for. Here is how to store different produce.

Okay, I had my last cigarette at about 5pm today and my mind is more so reeling at the thought that tomorrow's cup of coffee will be the last one for quite some time, I'll be honest. Tomorrow is my last day of regular food and then onward we go...into my newest adventure; to better health and higher energy!

I'm a JUICER!

Wow - that was quite the rant in my previous post...well, lets just say that the stress of that situation will be soon better. More on that later, but for now... DUH-DUH-DUH I had nothing to write about a few days ago despite it being Elba's 2nd birthday. That isn't true - I have tons of Elba stuff to report on; he can swim by himself in the pool with arm floaties on (jumping in, going under and sort of upright 'walking' through the pool), he is showing such personality and talking very well now. We have 3 words consistently, including "Captain Jack Sparrow" - oh yes, my boy will be a pirate! I could go on and on, and perhaps I will on another post. But tonight I can't sleep and I need to get to bed because I have to work tomorrow and it's 11PM; but I am so excited. I just bought a juicer and I'm getting ready to reboot! What am I talking about? I watched this movie and have joined this juicing community. I have my juicer en route via Amazon (5-8 days) so I am ready to start getting ready for my next adventure. I took before pictures, which is back to my pre-preggo weight of 210 pounds and it is like I never even had that personal trainer and gym routine - damn. I have a friend who is going to do it too and I'm totally psyched! Weee! I'll check in with more details on my plan, etc. when I have one!

1 < 2

Yup, we are one month shy of 2 years now since that boy was cut out of me. I wonder if the memory will ever fade because I can still recall the entire thing, from those first morning contractions to coming home with Elba and gathering him up because I just wanted to hold him while he slept. It is refreshing to think of the beginning and reflect on all the love and joy he brings because it isn't always roses. If nothing else, I'm honest for better or worse, right? Elba has been coming into the terrible twos now for a few months and he is just hell on wheels sometimes. When he doesn't need help or wants to do something by himself, he will yell 'self', or 'my turn'. He is a little fiery ball of independence - I don't know where he gets it from. I'm learning that patience and allowing extra time is generally a good way to avoid meltdowns, but sometimes it just can't be avoided, like when he wants to drive the car home or doesn't want to get in his car seat, or have it buckled, or wants a fifth popsicle after not eating any diner. You have to put your foot down somewhere, right? But he is a good boy and listens so well most of the time. He keeps his full cup of juice where you tell him to keep it and happily climbs into his big boy bed when it is time to go to sleep, but he currently hates taking a bath and that is a constant struggle despite fun toys, bath crayons, roller paints and stack-able cups. Its like a circus in the tub and he still wants nothing to do with it. He knows at some point I will wash his hair. We are falling to our routine, he and I - we get up in the morning and struggle to get out the door on time. I really should wake earlier and get myself ready before he wakes and things could be easier. I'm really just not a morning person. I struggle and always have to get up out of bed any earlier than I have to. Okay, I'm going to work on this. I go to work (and I've officially started looking for a new job), come home and am now so tired that I'm counting down until his bedtime. How horrible is that? What is worse is that I miss him after he is asleep. I do wish I had more time with Elba - but in the morning when he is still his normal self. I get the leftover fragmented bits of my child that are left loose, whipping around and taking out bits of flesh along the way. Okay, I exaggerate yes, but how much I'm not sure. I love him and wish I had more fun easy time with him. In the evening though I just want him to tucker out and go to bed. I think is a part of that terrible two thing that I hope will pass into something less tiring. I'm exhausted at the end of the day, but who am I kidding...it's been that way here in Chicago since I moved back. Is it the job, Elba's age, my stress - I don't know. I feel like I'm burning the candle from both ends sometimes. And it isn't that I have anything to really do or get stressed out about really. Maybe with him acting crazy for most of the time that I'm with him and my lack of energy to do much with the free time I have I am missing those lazy weekends where I would feel guilty having done nothing but sit inside and play computer games over the weekend. Or camping - I want to go camping and just read alone, or go on a day hike and have some peaceful quiet alone time. I know how terrible it all sounds and I feel bad for saying it, but I miss parts of my life that are gone or hiding, tucked away for reference later. I feel like my life is a mission right now. I'm doing this thing - this Mom thing, to the best of my ability - and there are fabulous parts and some really fun and joyous moments....but it is a lot of crap too that really is challenging at best. I have a lot of resentment toward Mitchel right now too, I admit. I shouldn't be doing this alone. He gets to do whatever he wants, holding tight to making no significant changes in his life (that was in fact the problem, right?) or the ones he does for the wrong reason. Forget the lack of financial support promised, I'm mad for so many reasons at him that I can't stay at his house right now any longer than the time it takes to drop off and pickup Elba at the moment. Otherwise he just grates on me; and it doesn't end there. See, I obsess about things inside and having a 5 hour silent drive after faced with Mitchel's lies, or his flagrant misuse of money, bad judgment and worst of all disregard of his son; it is no time for hours upon hours alone in my head. I'm learning - on past trips I've worked a good emotional storm up in my head so much that after stopping for gas I got on the expressway heading in the wrong direction and didn't realize it for a good 30 miles. I don't know how to turn it off...I would if I could and I've always been this way. I'd be a happier saner person if I could stop obsessing picking it all over in my mind like that sore in your mouth you just can't stop tonguing and let heal. And on some melancholy nights it will sneak up on me and I'll cry for Elba - that things couldn't have been different for him or better for me. I know that I'd enjoy this more if it weren't such hard work by myself. On a brighter note, I've started to do things for myself; I just finished reading the last book in the second trilogy since April. I haven't read this much since high school. I went and played NERO recently and had a great time, feeling like my old self for less than 48 hours. That is all I can think of to say right now.

April Fool

April 1st already; I've been back for 6 months now. Elba will be 2 years old in four months now. He is talking a lot now; he is a sponge and repeats everything he hears. He understands everything too; the TV got turned on and the volumne was very high. I commented that it was too loud and then later when we were in the car, he tells me that the radio is loud. Amazing.

So, this is a tough job...and I feel like it is hard for me to know what the right thing to do is; with everything. I'm wondering if now that I'm here I should start looking for a higher paying job. Should I purchase a townhouse instead of throwing my money away in rent now. This will all mean yet more change for Elba; how much can he handle without having a bad adjustment? Oh, things with Louis and I aren't quit working out so he is heading back to Michigan. Yet another change. I'm done dating and trying to work out a relationship; quite possibly the one area in my life that maybe I'm just downright bad at. I don't want to get into all the nitty gritty, but in a nutshell I think he isn't ready for all this and we aren't very complimentary of eachother. Maybe that is something that could have been seen if we had actually dated for longer, but such is life. I don't do anything half assed. It's always been all or nothing for me. Okay, so that is that. I should have stayed living at my aunt's...I can hear all of the 'I told you so's.

Nightmare

Many years ago I fell asleep in the passenger seat driving home from a NERO event. While asleep I had a dream in which I was sitting in that same spot, looking out the window and all of a sudden there was a 'pop', a hole in the window and blood splatter. In the dream, I looked over to the driver of the vehicle and was starting to say that I've been shot, but then my vision started fading and I couldn't talk, ultimately leading to me slumping over. At that moment, I jolted awake in the car and was disoriented and confused. It took me a second to realize I'd just been dreaming. I was elated at the realization that I wasn't dying and everything was fine. I cheerily told my boyfriend who was driving about the 'freaky' dream I just had and how weird it was.

The other night something similar happened, but it was not freaky or weird, it was downright horrifying and I still can't shake it. I was sleeping in bed and dreamt that I was sitting in bed and Elba was sitting playing on the floor beside me eating pieces of an apple. I can vividly remember the bright red skin of the piece that he started to choke on, completely blocked his airway and caused his whole head to turn red, his eyes to widen, and I witnessed my sons panicked thrashing as I jumped up out of bed to grab him and begin the Heimlich. All of a sudden there were pillows on the floor, it is dark and Elba must have slipped around the corner when I was getting up because now he is gone! I'm shaking with adrenaline, and flinging the pillows on the ground around, maybe he is under one? I flipped the light on and was trying to keep myself from throwing up so I could find Elba...good lord, he was choking and might die soon! I couldn't find him, he had disappeared. I'm now aware that Lou is sitting up in bed looking at me scared, "What?! What's wrong?" I can't explain the whole thing, but I'm pissed that he isn't looking for Elba too. "I can't...I can't...I can't find it" is what I think I said. "What? What can't you find?" he asked, and it was actually him that brought me back to reality and made me realize that Elba was fine, in bed asleep and I had been too. I was shaking so bad I thought I might fall over, so I remember squatting down and getting on the floor and then just laughing at the realization. Lou told me that he had woken up not by the commotion or the light being turned on, but rather by my blood curdling scream. I don't remember screaming at any point. I think I woke up when I was getting out of bed, but I'm honestly not sure...I was never aware that I woke up, that anything had changed, and I was so disoriented that I didn't for a second realize that the continuity of Elba missing didn't make sense. It was so real....and so very scary.

16 MONTHS

Time is flying. I have been meaning to sit down and catch up on the blog for some time. The rash he had I'm pretty sure was the soap; now we have some eczema and a yeast rash currently to work on and makes things interesting. Crawling is so out these days; I can't remember the last time I saw him crawl. He has taken now to running; he likes it when I comment on how fast he goes. It's the little things. He is talking a lot now too. We saw my mom the other day, and he said 'Grandma'. When he isn't making understandable words (which unless he repeats something I said, that is the case) he is full of gobblygook; it is so cute. Favorites are to read stories and not so favorite is eating. I think he must be eating a lot at lunch at daycare because dinner is generally very limited. He picks and then throws his food on the floor, the universal sign for all done. Even though he can say all done, that is the preferred method for hasty removal of the chair.
I really need to get pictures off my camera and get better at taking them. The first 6 months I took pictures of everything and now I forget to bring the camera, forget to take pictures if I do, or forgot to change the battery pack. I was able to snap a few when we went trick or treating at my aunt's with her kids before the battery died. Elba dressed up as a bee and I used a previous year's Raggedy Ann costume. I had no intention of dressing up, but then I had a work event that I had to so thankfully my costume wasn't too inaccessible.
My current employer's insurance is ridiculously expensive to add a dependent ($40 min for me, but with a child $240 min)! So, I put him on the state's All Kids program. I make too much and have to pay $40/month for it, but that is much more reasonable. He got a TB test the other day when I brought him in the yeast rash and shots. But this doctor doesn't do 15 months shots and on their time line he was up to date (?) so I have to bring him next month instead. Well and tomorrow to check the TB (it's fine).
I'm still just totally wiped out by the end of the day...I don't think that is gonna change for a while unfortunately. I haven't been taking my thyroid pills as I should or drinking enough water. I'm sure that would help and I'm gonna try harder. Because I'm so busy during the day and then with Elba at night, I pretty much have no desire to look at any kind of screen in the evening and I've taken to reading, which I've always said I need to do more of anyway. It is my relaxing time. I wish I had the energy or motivation to work out. I think I really had it right in Michigan by going to the gym directly after work. Elba has been going to bed earlier, sometimes as early as 6:30 or 7, but generally 7:30pm. I don't think if I went to gym after work I'd be happy about the time spent with him though. I leave work between 5-6pm, so you do the math on how much QT I'm getting with him during the week. That stinks, but also why I cherish the weekends.
Since moving, I've been out to Michigan now twice for Mitch and his family to spend time with him. I'll be honest, it sucks. It sucks having to give up a weekend a month with Elba when I already have so little time with him. It sucks more to drive 10 hours once a month. I'm going again for November and Christmas. Mitch was supposed to come out in November but he can't take off work. I swore that I wasn't going to, but I feel guilty for Elba and I don't want him to not see them for two months. That is a long time for such a young age. I'm putting my foot down on January though...and I hate driving in snow/bad weather. I will pick anyone up at the train station, but I just am not comfortable making the drive in dangerous conditions. I'm sure that will be fine. Mitch didn't pressure me about November, it was my choice to go. If the weather is okay then I'd rather go now than when I really don't feel it is safe. Mitch and my relationship and communication have been very good. I even stayed over there last time I was out. I tried to occupy myself doing things and being away during the day. Elba is clingy and a bit of a Momma's boy if I'm around and I wanted them to enjoy their time together. It was nice to have time to myself and get some things done. I'm thinking of getting a massage and doing some Christmas shopping this next trip.
Okay, I'm just itching to get off the computer and I don't have much else to report on. Everything at work is great as well as things with Lou. He is working two part time jobs at the moment and hoping something will turn into full time. I'm just glad he found work and he is saving up for school next semester. It's a little bit of a grind right now, but I don't mind it; nothing is too difficult or stressful. It is actually kind of a peaceful routine we have going.